Work and Motherhood

Sometimes it is more important to discover what one cannot do than what one can do. –Lin Yutang

What I’ve pretty much figured out during this last rotation is that I don’t ever want to work this hard again. The different areas of my life have become engaged in mutually destructive behavior. I’m worse at work because I’m a mother; I’m a worse mother and wife because I work. I’m constantly trying to cut corners at work, get home early, find time to pump. Then when I get home I realize how little I see the baby, and how much I neglect my husband.

I’m tired of this dichotomous, conflicting existence. I want to believe that work and motherhood can be mutually edifying. I want to believe that God led me through twelve years of training for good purpose, both for His kingdom and for making me a healthier, more balanced mother. I want to believe that being a mother now can be a blessing rather than a setback in my career; can show me a healthier, more well-rounded way to view work in my life.

I think that balance is possible. Because I look at the Bible and see that motherhood is good, and work can be good. I am created for both and I believe I am called to both. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt gifted for and joy in medicine, and in anticipated motherhood. I loved biology and physiology, loved learning on the wards, love operating. I love babies and children, love being creative and silly, love nurturing and teaching.

I think doing both well starts with realizing I can’t really do both well. I can’t have it all. I have to know this, deep in my gut, to make the choices I need to make. For me, this means saying no to the culture of academic medicine where I work. Work thus far has meant pursuing the best training possible at the cost of many things. But it has to stop here.

I don’t believe being a mother means never leaving E’s side, means giving up ever practicing medicine or operating. But it means doing that a different way. I want to be with her more, not because I’m driven by fear or believe I can control her life, but because I want to be faithful to love and discipline her, and for me that means being around her more of the time.

And so I’m rethinking my work. But I think this is a good thing. Perhaps what God wanted to show me, by bringing me back from maternity leave into the hardest rotation of the year, is what I cannot do. And how selfishly and idolistically I have practiced medicine thus far in my life. It is good to revisit my priorities, my motives, and rediscover the joys in motherhood and in working, when both are done better.