Connecting with Jesus

If I've been hearing God saying anything to me lately, it's been to plug in more regularly with him. With Jesus. I heard a talk recently about spiritual pathways, the seven to nine different ways (depending on who you read) that people can connect with God. It wasn't hard to identify myself as a contemplator and an intellectual: I experience God most when I am thinking and reflecting, usually involving journaling and solitude, and when I discover a new concept or learn something I didn't know, usually through exegetical sermons or Bible study. It wasn't difficult to identify Dave as a naturalist: he always feel close to God in nature. The last moment I can think of where we were both awed by nature together was on high sand dunes in a park in the outer banks, and it was as memorable spiritually as it was aesthetically.

But knowing how important it is to connect with God, and even how to do it, it's amazing how little we do. We hear about him, sing about him, read about the Bible more than we actually read the Bible and personally encounter him each day. We pray as if we're talking to ourselves more than spend time in true listening dialogue. If we transcribed our prayers, we'd probably be astonished at how self-centered, rote, or devoid of sincere meaning they sometimes are.

I heard about a study that found that people who read their Bibles less than four times a week had outward lives that were indistinguishable from non-believers. The magic number appeared to be four or more times a week. How often do you read? Are you following Jesus, or your notion of Jesus? Are you growing closer to him every day, or do you not think about him at all most days? Do you ever ask him where he wants you to go in life this day, or two decades from now, or do you pretty much make those decisions on your own and get nominal approval from him?

Sometimes we can get through life seemingly fine without being aware of our relationship with Jesus at all. Then sometimes we have difficult experiences that make it obvious where we stand with Jesus. I find parenting to be one of those experiences-- it is, as a friend once pointed out, a spiritually formative experience. You are going to know where you stand with Jesus whether you want to or not. You can't get by in the end on your own strength of will, or intellectual knowledge: you'll get broken down eventually--it might be the fifth tantrum, or the seventh sleepless night, or the same daily battle to get your kids to eat or dress, but eventually it will become obvious whether you've been coasting on your own powers or are bearing true spiritual fruit.

I think we as caregivers can forget that we need to relate with Jesus. Just for his sake, just for our sake, not for the sake of anyone else. When I experience his love, when I connect with him, when I read the Bible, I have something to draw on through the day. I have this mental image of a garden, where I have to go if I want to bear any fruit. Most of the gardens in the Bible are fruit gardens. I was reminded last week that Judas knew where to find Jesus because that garden was a place he had often gone to before—a place Jesus went to connect with his Father. And of course, when he rose, Mary first walks with him in a garden. How do you most naturally connect with God? What has he been saying to you today?

Praising Effort, Not Results

We are reading this book called Nurture Shock and the first chapter is about a concept that has been filtering through articles here and there lately: that too much praise can be bad for your kids. Kids who are always told they are smart tend to be unmotivated and achieve less because they are afraid to try anything they may fail. Kids who are praised for their effort rather than innate intelligence are more willing to try and learn, deal better with failure, and in the end score better.

The book points out that effective praise—praise that is a positive, motivating force—needs to be a few things:

Specific. For example, a losing hockey college team made it into the play-offs after being complimented on the number of times they checked an opponent.

Sincere. Kids, particularly over the age of seven, can tell if you are faking it. Teens often realize that teachers tend to praise the worst students, and that criticism may be a better sign of one’s aptitude.

Not excessive. Too much praise causes kids to do stuff just to hear praise, rather than for its own sake. They are afraid to commit to things for fear of not succeeding. Parents think they are being supportive, but kids just feel pressure to perform. Kids who get praised too much often get image-focused and overly competitive.

I think there is definitely a tendency, if we aren’t thoughtful about how to praise our kids, just do it generally and rotely all the time. “You did such a good job dancing!” “You’re so smart!” “What a kind person you are!” Which one of us doesn’t want our kids to think they’re the most special and the best? Which ones of us doesn’t subconsciously see our kids that way? There is a place for reinforcing positive behavior, for building up a positive self-image.

But our praise really runs deeper than that—our praise builds our child’s concept of themselves. It constructs their sense of what we value, what is important, how to live. I’ve told Ellie a lot that I think she’s smart when she gets things right, and I’ve noticed that she likes being right and looking smart. Today when Dave corrected Ellie after she pointed out Iceland instead of Ireland on a map, she said, “oh, that’s where I meant to point, but my finger accidentally moved over there.”

So what do I really think makes someone smart? What do I sincerely admire about her? Well, I do admire that she can add, and read, and draw a cat, and I think it’s okay for me to tell her that. But I also admire that she tries to draw camels that look like pregnant dragons, and thinks my dad turned twelve yesterday, and I should try to tell her that too. I should tell her what I really think: that being smart doesn’t mean you always get the answer right, or that you do better than other people. Sometimes being smart means you try, even if you mess up, because you learn and get better. Sometimes people are smart in different ways: they might not read or add well, but they are good at pictures or logic. The brain is like a big muscle; you can get better and smarter about something the more you work at it. And finally, most importantly: that I don’t love her because she’s smart. I love her whether she’s smart or not, whether she’s good or not.

I think one area where we navigate praise well is when it comes to “moral” behavior: being kind, sharing, not getting angry or grumpy. We do tell them that what kind of behavior we want in our family, and praise them specifically for positive results: “I’m so proud that you shared that with Eric even though you got it first.” But we also make it clear that we can’t always be perfect, and in fact that we need God’s help sometimes, and it’s okay to try and mess up, or to need to stop and ask God to help us. I tell her that sometimes I want to get very angry, and I need to tell God I am sorry for that and ask him to help me, and sometimes I still mess up and then need to ask her to forgive me and learn from the experience.

The other day Eric got upset that Ellie had locked herself into their room early in the morning. She ended up saying that they were downstairs, she felt herself getting frustrated at Eric about something, and went upstairs to try to calm down and ask for God’s help. She ended up losing her temper anyway (when I burst into the room), and we had a talk about not locking rooms, but it was interesting to hear her process of trying and be able to praise that.

Journal Excerpt

Ellie has been asking to pray herself each night. Really sweet. Yesterday her prayer went something like this: “I pray for Daddy and Mommy and Eric and Elijah and Ellie. I pray for all the people in Mexico, Canada, and Italy [the countries we’ve studied]. Thank you for these very cute pajamas. Thank you for us all being together. Please watch over us tonight like a shepherd watches over the sheep. Please give Mommy and Daddy a very peaceful sleep. Please give us good dreams. Give Mommy a dream that is beautiful and Daddy a dream that is handsome. In Jesus name, amen.” Eric clasps his hands and bows his head the whole time.

Yesterday before bedtime was this really happy time where Elijah was lying on the ground in his usual fashion, Eric was doing a free-style dance around the floor, sometimes with a sword in hand, and Ellie was copying either of her brothers. We would have to guess who she was copying. She’d do a pretty good job, copying Eric squatting on the ground DJ’ing with his music toy (“WANT JINGLE BELLS? WANT JINGLE BELLS?”), or him swaying on his tippy-toes, or copying Elijah lying on his back flapping his arms and legs with a surprised expression. Then she’d fall down in peels of laughter. Eric had no idea she was copying him.

This morning Ellie was playing some imaginary storyline by herself and said “I need to find someone to marry…” Eric exclaimed, “I’ll marry you!” and went up to her face and said, “Hi.”

Healthy Snack Ideas

Okay, let’s face it: our kids snack. We’ve done various overhauls to improve their diet—a few years ago we nixed all juice to become a milk-or-water household. We try to emphasize meals together and teach them about eating a grain, a meat, and a vegetable, and we learn about food groups. We encourage Ellie, our pickiest eater, to have a try-one-bite policy. I do cook with them in mind, but don’t habitually cook a separate meal to meet their demands. We do our best to minimize snacking before mealtimes or as a habit in the car or stroller; we try to avoid food as a “quick fix” for fussiness.

That said, when they do snack, it can be a huge effort to find stuff that doesn’t come highly-processed, packaged, or sweetened. In her preschool, Ellie gets apple juice and goldfish, which is pretty typical fare. Here are some ideas for snacks that are healthy, and that our kids really like:

Fruit. This one’s easy. Our kids absolutely love fruit: berries, melons, bananas, apples, kiwis, Asian pears, mangos, papayas, clementines, cherries, fresh figs, persimmons, grapes. We make sure to have a variety around at all times (Costco and the Asian market is a go-to for that), we try to experiment with new fruits, and we avoid sweetening with sugar or honey—good fruit is sweet enough as it is!

Popcorn. Lately I’ve been in a homemade popcorn kick. I take one-fourth cup of oil (e.g. grapeseed), dump in a half-cup of popcorn seeds, and heat over medium-high in a pot with the lid on. The kids love watching the seeds pop, then we sprinkle with a little salt and sometimes some sugar; I like flavoring it myself and knowing there’s no butter.

Dried fruit. You have to be careful there’s no sugar added—lots of dried fruit, like cranberries, come sweetened, which is fine as long as you’re aware. We like these dried fruit strips that Trader Joe’s sells; you can get just-fruit type bars from Whole Foods as well—unlike fruit roll-ups, these are just compressed, dried fruit, with no added sugar. The kids love them, though they get stuck on their teeth often.

Homemade granola bars. You have to be careful about the granola bars you buy, but making them yourself is a fun option; you can control the sugar portion, or use honey or agave nectar instead of white sugar, or stick in more oats and whole grains. I’ve tried a few recipes with limited success but might try another one this weekend.

String cheese. I am somewhat of a cheese fanatic. The kids love peeling these apart, and I have to admit, so do I.

Specialty chips. I am also somewhat of a chip fanatic, and there are healthier chips out there if you look around a bit. Our current kick are Chia Crisps’ black bean pickle chips.

Edamame. We buy these frozen from Trader Joe’s, both in and out of the shell. They love popping the seeds from the shells into their mouths. They like eating edamame, or peas, out of baggies or cups while on the go.

Sauce packs. You know what I’m talking about: those yogurts and fruit and vegetable sauces that come in packets they can squeeze and suck on. There are so many brands of these out there but they are quite good and sometimes a great way to get in veges and fruits, as long as your kid is old enough not to be too messy.

Frozen yogurt sticks. Frozen bananas. Pretty much, if we put anything on a stick and freeze it, our kids will love it. We buy these tubes of yogurt that we freeze into yogurt pops. I freeze bananas stuck on popsicle sticks, and even I love those.

Smoothies. We have been on a smoothie kick for a while. Kids love them, you can throw so much into them, and they are so easy to make! We buy huge bags of frozen berries, pineapples, strawberries, and mangos from Costco. For a typical shake, I put in a ripe banana, a couple generous spoonfuls of greek yogurt, a handful of frozen strawberries, and a few frozen pineapples. The frozen fruit automatically adds an icy quality. The pineapples give a nice tang; the bananas make it sweet enough; the yogurt makes it creamy; and the strawberries give it a nice overall flavor. I can throw in some spinach or carrots and they don’t notice. When we have fresh watermelon, we use that instead of yogurt and it gives it a lovely juicy, sweet flavor. It’s amazing how great they can taste without any ice cream or sorbet or even honey.

Rice cakes. You’d think these would be too tasteless, but our kids really like them, even when they are brown rice cakes without salt or added flavoring.

Domestic Support: Creating A Home Atmosphere

One emotional need we studied last week in our marriage class was Domestic Support: the need, often felt more by men, for home to be a safe and stress-free place to return to at the end of the day. The author writes, “A man’s fantasy goes something like this: His home life is free of stress and worry. After work each day, his wife greets him lovingly at the door and their well-behaved children are also glad to see him. He enters the comfort of a well-maintained home as his wife urges him to relax before having dinner, the aroma of which he can already smell wafting from the kitchen. Conversation at dinner is enjoyable and free of conflict. Later the family goes out together for an evening stroll, and he returns to put the children to bed with no hassle or fuss. Then he and his wife relax and talk together, watch a little television, and, at a reasonable hour, go to bed to make love.”

Both of us cracked up reading that. A typical night beings with me texting “Eric is having his second tantrum. Do you have an ETA?” He comes home and I’m arbitrating a dispute between the older two. The kids are all half-fed or being fed at different times; our dinner consists of random bites of their leftovers. He takes Elijah off my hands and heads upstairs to change. We try to persuade and bribe the kids into a walk; when we finally do, Eric’s feet can’t stuff into his frog boots in the onesie pajamas he refuses to change out of, and Ellie doesn’t want to wear a jacket. We do some educational activities, and enter the bedtime routine, which looks something like this. By the time that is over, and Elijah is nursed to sleep for the night, we finish essential chores in the brief time we have before “a reasonable hour” has passed.

At first I got a bit upset about this whole domestic support thing—I work too some days, sometimes as long as he does, yet he’s supposed to come home and enjoy this fantasy while I juggle three kids and barely get time to change out of my work clothes or eat a bite for dinner? I’m supposed to do the house chores, and childcare chores, and work, so he can feel good about having his need met?

But then I talked with Dave more and realized I had thrown myself into things with a typical too-perfectionistic task-oriented mindset—he does have this need, but for him it is really about the home having a certain atmosphere, and my having a certain mindset. It is about the home being a place of peace, and stability. It is about me having a general, managerial awareness of how chores are going, and expressing appreciation for the many chores he does. It is about me communicating through my actions and attitudes that I enjoy the kids, and the home. He doesn’t mind chipping in a lot. And we talked about a few practical things we could work on, the main one being meal planning, for healthy, tasty, balanced food (anyone interested in my posting recipes?).

And that is where I want to be anyway. I want to be someone who can take interruptions and tantrums and turn them into gospel moments. I want to be someone who can say hey, we don’t have it all together and it’s a bit chaotic now, but it’s all okay. I want to be someone who can laugh and make us all laugh. I want to be someone who can plan for the structure and resources we need to eat healthy, move a lot, learn a lot, and create a lot. I want our home to be a peaceful place for Dave, and our kids’ friends, and anyone else who wants to visit. Ultimately, this only happens when I am doing well; when I’ve had time for myself, time with God, and put time and priority into creating this kind of home, not just a home that gets by. I think there have been some good changes just in the past week—we’ll see how it goes.