Genesis 24

But her brother and her mother replied, "Let the girl remain with us ten days or so; then you may go.” – Genesis 24:55

I’ve been trying to dissect my guilty feelings about leaving E at daycare. I think there is a good part to the guilt—the part that comes of a healthy, God-given desire to be more of a present mother to her, to shape her environment and love her by caring for her myself. I realize not everyone feels this way, and maybe that’s okay, but this seems to be a big part of how I feel. This good guilt motivates me in the right direction, reminds me of my priorities.

But there are bad parts to the guilt. Guilt from worry and fear, that festers and grows upon itself and leads nowhere good.

I read this chapter and understand why it was hard for Bethuel to let her daughter go. It is a vague request, not rooted in ritual or a divine directive. Everything had been settled the previous day, and the reasoning repeated twice for the reader, by the author and by the servant’s retelling. Maybe Bethuel was rightly hoping to keep her daughter near a little longer; maybe she was fearful and hoping something would change in that time.

Well, two things are clear. The situation gave Rebekah a chance to choose to obey, which she did. And her mother did let her go, with words of blessing. Which led to one of the most romantic scenes in the entire Bible at the end of the chapter.

There is a release that needs to happen in me too. The root of my bad guilt comes from an unspoken belief that I am solely responsible for E, not God; that I am in control, not Him. That I should worship at the altar of motherhood with everything I have. But I am still first His, ready like Bethuel to wake up one morning and suddenly find Him asking me to be wiling to let go of what He has given me.

There is a rightful sadness I feel in leaving E every day. I should ask for wisdom to make the right practical choices. But once that is done, there should be a peace. No fear. No condemning guilt. There should be belief in God’s sovereignty, trust that frees me to receive the blessing he has for me and for E in and through these circumstances. At least that’s what I’m asking for.