On Expecting

French parents, she finds (and she does research to go with her observations) parent within an overarching framework of strictness called cadre, within which the kids have quite a lot of freedom. (Whereas the typical American parent today might not be strict at all, but at the same time might be limiting freedom with obsessive childproofing and helicoptering).

What strikes me is that French parents (or anyway, Parisian parents) aren’t afraid of their kids. And when you’re not afraid (that he couldn’t possibly sleep through the night at 3 or 4 months; that you couldn’t possibly expect your two-year-old to entertain herself for ten minutes at a time; that there’s no way you and your friend can drain an entire cup of coffee while it’s still warm, if your demanding preschoolers are underfoot) you are free to just assume that these things are possible. – Denise Schipani, review of Bringing Up Bebe

One thing I’ve been discovering is that kids really do live up to what you expect of them. If I can’t expect her to sit quietly in the grocery cart the entire time, she doesn’t. If I do, she does. If I expect her to have patience and not whine, she can. If I expect her to say “please” and “thank you” every time, she can. If I expect him to sleep through the night by this age, he can, more or less. If I expect her to walk next to me instead of being held because I’m holding him, she can. If I expect her to lay quietly on her blanket for quiet time, she does.

Like in any relationship, I can’t spring an expectation on her at the last minute, but if I explain carefully and repeatedly to her beforehand what I expect, and act like I know she can do it, then she surprisingly often does. I tell her, “every day we’re going to have quiet time: this is time when we make no noise. You can lie quietly on your blanket and think about God; it is not time to sleep. Or you can play quietly with your toys. Mommy will be quiet too.” And she does it! She lies quietly on her blanket for fifteen minutes and I get time alone to do my bible study or lie down. When I tell her quiet time is over, she leaps up and says “I can be loud now!” Yup. When I ask her what she thought about, she always pauses and then says, “God.” When I ask her what she thought about God? she always says, “loves me.”

I think the key is preparation and repetition. Bringing snacks or activities if I expect her to sit quietly. Telling her beforehand several times. Being consistent in expecting the same behavior every time. But mostly it’s a change in my mindset, to think more proactively about how I’d like her to be, instead of constantly reacting to how she is. My natural temperament is to be a more permissive parent: to think, “would it be that bad if I gave her what she wants?” instead of “is giving her what she wants the best for her?”

Asking the latter all the time is harder, and a lot more tiring. There are days or weeks when I pick my battles to preserve sanity (those are the days she goes on her walks in her fleece pajama onesie stuffed into black dress shoes), and that’s okay. And what I expect is tempered by knowing her own temperament and limits, and that’s okay. But sometimes I give in because I’m too lazy. Or because I’m afraid of her reaction. Or because I hadn’t thought out what principle to set. And that I’m trying to work on.

One thing that helps me figure out what I should be expecting of the kids is to remember that they are number three on my list. Number one is God, and number two is my husband. I structure the kids to what is essential for me to grow in relationship with God, and for me to have a meaningful time for my marriage, or it all goes haywire in the end. It might mean that they allow me time alone with God, or to go to church; it might mean they sit quietly in their chairs so I can talk sanely with D over dinner, or go to bed early enough for us to have time alone.

It does take more effort, and there are periods when I’m more consistent about certain things than others, but I’m starting to be convinced that it’s worth it, whether I see the results now or not. We’ll see how it goes.