Martyr Mom

Work has been very difficult lately. There’s an incredible amount of pressure to get as many cases as I can this rotation; with the holidays, I’m already missing half my surgical time, and due to freak accidents and the weather I’m missing even more. I spend all my time doing secretarial and social work, only to find out today that all eight cases for tomorrow are cancelled due to the building flooding. From a clogged toilet.

And I simply can’t work the way I used to. E does not reliably sleep through the night so I’m chronically tired. I’m always trying to get to work as late as possible so I can feed her in the mornings, so I miss lectures and resident meetings. I rush back to try to feed her before bedtime and can’t finish things I need to do. I interrupt my work day two to three times to pump, and stay up late at night to try to pump enough.

To be honest, D and I are barely surviving here. Even with my sister giving up two weeks of vacation to be our live-in nanny. Being a two-resident family with a baby is just—well, not how residency is meant to be, and not how parenting is meant to be.

Even though I know in my head E is more important than work, every day I go through the emotional process of letting work go. I feel down, insecure, pressured; one reference or conversation at work is enough to throw me all off again. A lifetime of perfectionism and caring what people think is hard to shrug off, particularly in a driven academic culture. It’s incredibly difficult to let go of being able to work the way I could, to not care how other people see me.

I always pictured myself a martyr mom. Have four kids or more, give up a stellar career and mega earning potential, raise a huge and happy family. I had no idea what it is like; how much tension there is. My work is demanding; E is not. My work is impressive, public; she is not. My work is over twelve years in the investing; she barely over a year. And every day, I have to let go again, and again. Through the guilt, tension, insecurity, fatigue. If God is trying to teach me something, he sure is doing it the hard way.