I am sitting here contemplating the difference between the
past two days. Yesterday, it was one trial after another with the kids. I had
stayed up too late reading an unedifying novel and woke up tired. E seemed to
continuously whine and be picky, and I nearly lost it a few times. Perhaps as a
result, she became clingy, wanting to sit on my lap permanently the whole
morning. Dee-dee threw several tantrums. At one point I just sat back holding
them both in exhaustion while they were trying to push each other off my lap so
they could get it for themselves. Neither of them seemed to eat well; I finally
put on Dumbo to get them both to be
quiet enough for me to prep dinner and do a few chores before leaving for work.
Today, we all went to Bible Study Fellowship. After we came
back, there were the usual moments of whining, spills, accidents, clinginess,
but we got over them quickly. The fridge seemed empty but I threw together some
pasta, tomatoes, cucumbers and peas that they ate with relish, then chopped some
fruit. We invented some naked games: naked
sit-in-the-brown-box-with-the-packaging-paper (E: “something wet is on my hand.
I think dee-dee peed”), naked Cheerios games, naked dancing time, naked bath
time. Boy, does he love airing out his bum.
Parenting is such a spiritual litmus test. You are what you
eat, spiritually speaking. There are the usual variables like amount of sleep,
health, etc, but in general I find that when I’ve been feeding myself spiritual
junk, when I live a grubby thought life, I tend to find the kids annoying and
difficult. When I have spent time with God, or talking or hearing or thinking
about the bible, then the kids tend to be pliable and enjoyable. Whatever’s in
me, the reserve that doesn’t get tapped under usual social norms, gets squeezed
out around the kids, good or bad. It comes out in what I say, in my tone of
voice, in what I mutter under my voice, in my expressions and body language.
And I think the kids not only react to my speech and actions, they reflect my
internal emotional moods and spiritual state. I would go so far as to say that
the entire mood of the home, the atmosphere of the house, reflects it.
It’s high stakes that way. What I do with the rare hour or
two a day I get of free time, and what I think about when I have spare mental
space, is important. If I fill that time with mindless leisure, selfish or
sinful thoughts, then I tend to get days like yesterday. If I spend some time
with God, enjoying nature or music, writing or crafting, thinking about someone
else, praying, then I get days like today. Before, this stuff just meant I had
a moderately crappy or pretty good personal day. Now, it means I have two
bawling kids and a husband who comes home to complaints, or two laughing kids
and a cheerful, peaceful space for said husband to enjoy.
