Parenting In The Interruptions

“But the reality is that if your eyes ever see, or your ears ever hear the sin, weakness, rebellion or failure of your children, it’s never an imposition. It’s never an interruption. It’s never a hassle. It’s always grace. God loves your children; he’s put them in a family of faith, and in relentless grace he will reveal their need to you again and again so that you can be his tool of awareness, conviction, repentance, faith and change. And because in these moments he asks you to forsake your agenda for his, this opportunity of grace isn’t just for your children, it's for you as well.” – Paul Tripp, Parenting: It’s Never An Interruption

Det. William 'Bunk' Moreland: You know what you need at a crime scene?

Det. Shakima 'Kima' Greggs: Rubber gloves?

Bunk: Soft eyes.

Kima: Like I'm suppose to cry and shit?

Bunk: If you got soft eyes, you can see the whole thing. If you got hard eyes -- you staring at the same tree missing the forest.

Kima: Ah, zen shit.

Bunk: Soft eyes, grasshopper.

- Season 4, The Wire

Some of the hardest things for me to deal with in my day are the kids interrupting my plans. Dave and I are both task-focused people, and I value efficiency perhaps too much: from experience we allow for contingencies, but somehow the interruptions always happen. We’re late for school because Elijah refused to get into his car seat, then bucked like a bronco when I tried to forcibly buckle him in. Ellie gets to bring a toy into the car, so the other two insist on bringing toys too, then they all argue over what type and how many to bring. Eric and Elijah bicker so loudly that they wake Esme up, and now I have to hold her and can’t continue the lesson I was trying to do with Ellie.

When the interruptions happen, I always want to react a certain way: I’m angry they interrupted my plans. That they caused me extra work. That they embarrassed me in public. When I’m really tired, it seems like they’re doing this on purpose to make my life harder—why can’t they not bicker for one minute? why can’t they not knock over cups of milk I have to clean up?

Sometimes it’s just accepting that kids are kids, and will be messy and inefficient and all that. But my friend, who is a fan of The Wire, mentioned a phrase that’s always stuck with me: seeing the situation with “soft eyes”—seeing the issues behind the behavior. I can then address the root issue instead of snapping at the symptoms. And I can almost always find a way to bring in the gospel. And really, that’s more important than whatever I have planned—so in a sense, the interruptions are God catching my attention and saying hey! this is more important than the laundry!

Here are some questions I ask myself to try to see with soft eyes:

- Does this reflect an issue I have? My mom once gave me great advice: when you’re bothered by something from your kids, examine yourself first. Sometimes I’m grouchy and tired and that attitude leaks into the kids. Sometimes my own biases and insecurities influence how the kids act.

- Have I spent enough time with this child? With lots of kids, it’s easy to give some less attention without meaning to; plus I get too distracted doing chores to get on the ground and play with them. Sometimes just holding them, or taking them out for a date, is what they need.

- What is really the wrong here? It’s not just because it annoys me; how does it offend God? What weakness or sin was behind it? From there I can go into discipline, or focusing on the right way to behave.

- Is there any root cause behind the wrong that I’m missing? Sometimes a strategic change upstream can prevent the situation. Sometimes I can give the kids tools to help them prevent recurrences in the moment—for example, helping them identify and verbalize emotions can help prevent tantrums.

But the main thing is to not react in anger or disgust, but to see with gospel eyes that interruptions are opportunities. They are hard, they are frustrating, they nearly always come at a cost of something else getting done, but they are some of the most important chances I have to teach the kids. To demonstrate grace to them. And really, I see this in my life too. I’m sure my life would be a lot smoother if I would just obey God all the time—but it’s in the struggles, the derailings, the overcoming of my rebellion, that I experience his love, his grace, and respect his commands. I want that for my children too.