Aligning Orbits

Dave means many things to me, but if I had to pick the one that I most value, it’s probably that he’s my best friend. I can connect better with him, talk about more with him, and be understood better by him than by anyone else. It’s ironic, then, that I think this is a season of life where it’s hard to communicate, both because of the kids, and because our worlds are increasingly different with my staying more at home. When we first met, we orbited in the same world, sometimes working in the same hospital. We both took care of Ellie the same amount.

In the last five years our paths have increasingly diverged: Dave’s advanced more and more in his career, with increasing recognition and responsibility and travel, and gone back for more schooling. I have worked increasingly less and been more and more at home. He thinks about work projects and dissertations; I think about the kids, their schooling, meals, and the house. Sometimes it can feel like we’re in different orbits, crossing only when we have to run the logistics of life together. We’ve gotten really effective at functioning together as caregivers, but it’s sometimes not as natural to connect about deeper thoughts and emotions. It’s easy to see Dave as childcare-relief, or errand-runner, but harder to see the real Dave, Dave for who he is, not for what we have to do in life together.

I can see why divorce rates are high twenty years in, after the kids leave for college and you realize you don’t have much in common anymore. I think it’s a real testimony to align more strongly together during these childrearing years—I think we have that, but it takes more mindfulness than it used to. I have to care about the details of his day and world, and have grace with including him in mine as much as he can, so that we can think together for each other. We have to schedule time to connect—regular date-nights, reading through a book together, praying together, going to small group together—and regularly ask questions like, what has God been showing you lately? what’s been on your mind? The Dave of today, after all, is not the same as the Dave of yesterday, last week, or last year, and I don’t want to miss out. If I grow closer to anyone these days, I want it to be him.