Not Yelling At The Kids

I think I’m yelling too much at the kids, and it bothers me. When they don’t do what I ask them to do, I repeat myself to the point of getting frustrated and raising my voice, at which point they finally respond. This morning, I had to get all of them out of bed/crib, dressed, diapers changed, fed, teeth brushed, table cleared, dishes washed, hair tied, nursed, jacketed, shoed, buckled in, bags and lunches loaded, in thirty minutes. I did a lot of put those books away and eat! if you don’t finish in ten minutes you don’t eat! and what did I tell you about getting dressed? don’t just stand there!

Other common yelling scenarios include cleaning up after playing, starting lessons, not bickering, getting into the tub, getting out of the tub, getting into bed, getting out of bed, eating, sitting down in their chairs while eating…

I’m just challenged that any yelling or talking in frustration is bad. It teaches disrespectful communication. Some studies suggest verbal aggression is linked to issues with self-esteem, aggression, and depression (not sure how far to take that, but disturbing nonetheless). And it should be something I can decide not to do. Otherwise all I’m teaching them now is not to listen when I ask them to do something (by repeating myself with no effect), or that they only need to listen when I sound frustrated (since that is when they respond).

Here is what most articles have to say about getting your kids to listen to you:

1. Make sure you have your kids’ attention. At the very least, eye contact, and verbal affirmation from the kid that they heard you.

2. Say it once. Don’t repeat yourself.

3. If they don’t obey, explain your rationale.

4. If they still don’t obey, warn them about consequences (either natural consequences or discipline). Then be consistent about allowing/enforcing those consequences.

Some random thoughts I have about how to work on this issue for me:

- again, examine myself: how can I give myself more physical and emotional reserve to deal with this? For example: I obviously need to get up earlier in the mornings to give us more time to get ready. Perhaps I should be intentional about praying before the day starts.

- prepare the child for my expectations and explain rationale earlier, before the situation occurs. For example: explain the night before why they need to obey the next morning.

- get verbal affirmation: ask the kids to say “okay, mom” when they hear me. Keep in mind that kids’ peripheral attention may be worse than what I’d expect from an adult, especially if engaged in play. Don’t assume they are disobeying unless I’ve confirmed they did hear. Expect myself to be physically close enough to tap them on shoulder or squat down to their faces if I want full attention (don’t shout across room or stories).

- be open to natural consequences: eg, no time for a bigger breakfast if they lag at getting dressed.

Anyway, it’s clearly a spectrum. I don’t want to be giving them a time-out every time I have to repeat myself about anything, nor do I think I expect them to jump up and obey every little command—they’re kids, not soldiers. I guess what I want is an atmosphere of respectful communication—where they listen to what I say, and I listen if appropriate to their thoughts—and a habit of timely obedience—because they respect my authority and have faith in my love, just as we ought to obey God immediately, even when we may not want to or may not understand why. And I want not to yell, which is ultimately up to me. Still thinking this one through.