Praising Effort, Not Results

We are reading this book called Nurture Shock and the first chapter is about a concept that has been filtering through articles here and there lately: that too much praise can be bad for your kids. Kids who are always told they are smart tend to be unmotivated and achieve less because they are afraid to try anything they may fail. Kids who are praised for their effort rather than innate intelligence are more willing to try and learn, deal better with failure, and in the end score better.

The book points out that effective praise—praise that is a positive, motivating force—needs to be a few things:

Specific. For example, a losing hockey college team made it into the play-offs after being complimented on the number of times they checked an opponent.

Sincere. Kids, particularly over the age of seven, can tell if you are faking it. Teens often realize that teachers tend to praise the worst students, and that criticism may be a better sign of one’s aptitude.

Not excessive. Too much praise causes kids to do stuff just to hear praise, rather than for its own sake. They are afraid to commit to things for fear of not succeeding. Parents think they are being supportive, but kids just feel pressure to perform. Kids who get praised too much often get image-focused and overly competitive.

I think there is definitely a tendency, if we aren’t thoughtful about how to praise our kids, just do it generally and rotely all the time. “You did such a good job dancing!” “You’re so smart!” “What a kind person you are!” Which one of us doesn’t want our kids to think they’re the most special and the best? Which ones of us doesn’t subconsciously see our kids that way? There is a place for reinforcing positive behavior, for building up a positive self-image.

But our praise really runs deeper than that—our praise builds our child’s concept of themselves. It constructs their sense of what we value, what is important, how to live. I’ve told Ellie a lot that I think she’s smart when she gets things right, and I’ve noticed that she likes being right and looking smart. Today when Dave corrected Ellie after she pointed out Iceland instead of Ireland on a map, she said, “oh, that’s where I meant to point, but my finger accidentally moved over there.”

So what do I really think makes someone smart? What do I sincerely admire about her? Well, I do admire that she can add, and read, and draw a cat, and I think it’s okay for me to tell her that. But I also admire that she tries to draw camels that look like pregnant dragons, and thinks my dad turned twelve yesterday, and I should try to tell her that too. I should tell her what I really think: that being smart doesn’t mean you always get the answer right, or that you do better than other people. Sometimes being smart means you try, even if you mess up, because you learn and get better. Sometimes people are smart in different ways: they might not read or add well, but they are good at pictures or logic. The brain is like a big muscle; you can get better and smarter about something the more you work at it. And finally, most importantly: that I don’t love her because she’s smart. I love her whether she’s smart or not, whether she’s good or not.

I think one area where we navigate praise well is when it comes to “moral” behavior: being kind, sharing, not getting angry or grumpy. We do tell them that what kind of behavior we want in our family, and praise them specifically for positive results: “I’m so proud that you shared that with Eric even though you got it first.” But we also make it clear that we can’t always be perfect, and in fact that we need God’s help sometimes, and it’s okay to try and mess up, or to need to stop and ask God to help us. I tell her that sometimes I want to get very angry, and I need to tell God I am sorry for that and ask him to help me, and sometimes I still mess up and then need to ask her to forgive me and learn from the experience.

The other day Eric got upset that Ellie had locked herself into their room early in the morning. She ended up saying that they were downstairs, she felt herself getting frustrated at Eric about something, and went upstairs to try to calm down and ask for God’s help. She ended up losing her temper anyway (when I burst into the room), and we had a talk about not locking rooms, but it was interesting to hear her process of trying and be able to praise that.