Recreational Companionship

This week we’ve been examining the need for recreational companionship. It seems to be a common scenario where a couple dates by going out to ball games, going hiking, playing tennis; then after they get married, it comes out that the girl doesn’t enjoy doing those things as much as the guy, and since they’re around each other all the time now and don’t need to do those things to see each other, they split up their hobbies. She goes shopping and takes art classes with friends, does crafts at home with the kids; he plays tennis and does fantasy sports with his buddies.

Not that that end scenario is wrong, but I’ve been realizing this week that to the guy, recreational companionship can be an actual emotional need: he looks for someone with whom he enjoys doing things together while dating, and he marries that person with the expectation and hope that she will continue to be his recreational companion for life. This is not a huge need for me; maybe like most women, I feel bonded with someone through conversation more than through mutual experience or outward activity, but to Dave this is important. It is okay for us to have separate hobbies sometimes, but the more we can learn to be each other’s best recreational companion, the more fulfilling our marriage will be. And the best way to be each other’s best recreational companion is to do things together that we both enjoy—if it’s just him dragging me along to play disc golf or tennis, or me dragging him along to the mall, it’s probably not going to last.

So we filled out this worksheet where we rated from -3 to +3 how much we enjoyed various activities and hobbies. If our numbers were both positive, we added them up. There were two activities that scored a six (going on an overseas missions trip, and doing bible study in a small group), and a longer list of fives. In some cases we had to have separate scores depending on whether the activity was with or without the kids (horseback riding, with kids—probably still a positive number. Classical concert with kids—definitely a negative). It gave us a lot of good ideas for things to try together, and experiences we can plan for as a family, and I think we’ll commit to doing one activity every month for now and see what happens.

But all this also helped me understand Dave as a person better: he is missional. He sees life as a journey. He values new experiences, travel, deepening relationships by going through experiences together. He experiences God and focuses on his inner self most through nature, getting out, going somewhere. I experience God sitting in a familiar corner with a book in hand—so a bit different, but there is a lot in me that responds to the missional too, if I learn to think that way, and prioritize and plan for new experiences. I think having kids has naturally hit his sense of self harder than mine, in that kids make it harder to travel, while I can read a book while nursing. But having kids is no excuse to not live more in this way, and I think being a missional family, reaching outward and experiencing new things together, is a good thing to teach our family, and a valuable way for us to learn and grow together. We’ll see how it goes.