Bringing The Good To Mind

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." - Phil 4:8

Today I am thinking about how important it is to build up a storehouse of good things about the people in our lives, especially our spouses and kids-- good photographs, written accounts of memorable conversations and moments, recognition of good traits and things we are thankful for.

There has been a lot of growth, deep discussion and reflection going on lately, in our marriage, in our parenting, and with that comes some exhaustion, some spiritual warfare, a battle against despondency, plus the usual ups and downs of having three kids aged four and under. It seems like either one or the other is keeping us up at night, or displaying bad behavior that challenges us to display the right balance of gospel-sharing love and boundary-enforcing discipline.

I heard a message the other day about how to deal with anger that recommended pulling that verse to mind, and applying it in the form of thinking about the good in the person you are upset at-- intentionally bringing to mind good about them-- and I think it's actually a really powerful exercise. I remember a parent sharing once that sometimes what helps them when their kid is having a bad day is to remember all the good moments with them, actually just bringing them to mind. That can be hard when we're in the middle of keeping our calm in the face of an illogical tantrum, or getting woken up at five A.M., so it helps to keep these things somewhere easy to access mentally.

So I'm building a virtual mental index card box of good things, about Dave, about the kids. Photographs are great for this. I keep a running folder on my computer, and now a photo stream that syncs between all my devices, of all my favorite photographs of them: Ellie and Eric sitting side-by-side on a bench facing a lake, holding hands while walking down the sidewalk, laughing while going down side-by-side slides. Elijah looking startled while getting kissed by both of them; all of us out eating frozen yogurt. Dave standing broad-shouldered in a dark grey wool jacket against the backdrop of Walden Pond on our first date. I also try to journal down funny sayings, made-up words, favorite stories, conversations and moments, since I know otherwise I'll forget.

Sometimes, in the middle of the screaming, stamping of feet, whining demands, spills, oily fingers, and stubbing of toes by toys, I pull up a mental index card. And it helps me hold on to my sanity for a moment. It reminds me that whatever is going on will pass. It helps me regain some perspective. It reminds me of who this person I love is, and was, and can be, when they aren't acting very loveable in the moment. It helps me see the best of them along with the worst of them, and reminds me that I love them in spite of and because of all of that. Because of course, that is how God loves me-- he sees not only my worst moments and thoughts, but my best, and since he is greater than time, he sees it all together as much as he sees me in the current moment. That's something interesting to wrap my mind around.