Photojournal

Dear Ellie and Eric,

Daddy took the two of you out today to give Mommy some quiet at home with Elijah, but as I was walking around the house, there were so many things that reminded me of you that I thought I would take some photos for our journal:

Grandma gave you guys these orchids (the white one is Eric's, the purple one Ellie's), and you guys carry them everywhere around the house and deposit them in odd places. I woke up the other day with these orchids at my bedside table. Yesterday we watered them with an ice cube and this morning Eric kept asking me, where did the ice cube go? Why did it melt? Why? Why? (you are just starting to ask that about everything)

Laura took Eric to the bookstore, and when you had to leave, you kissed the animal you were holding, put it back on the shelf, and said goodbye. She was so touched she bought you this Peter Rabbit. You are really into Mr. Mac-Gwe-Guh and shouting "stop, thief!"

Ellie, you love to color, and most days we print out a few coloring pages. You knew I liked this one so you gave it to me when you were done. Look how good you are at coloring!

Your favorite toy right now are Legos. Legos and reading books-- that's pretty much what we do all the time now. Here is a creation Ellie made this morning that she left on the ground. It's a restaurant that has a plank, for "walking the plank" like in Peter Pan.

We have an "egg" devotional every night that you guys really like. Eric, you like holding the bible carefully with both hands while we read a few verses; then there is a lesson that I write on an egg and a picture representing the lesson you both color. Eric likes getting the tape for us to take the eggs on the tree; then you both pick out two egg stickers for repeating the lesson.

This is Nana, your favorite companion. Named after the dog in Peter Pan, of course. She is bigger than Eric and sleeps most nights with her face lifted up onto the edge of Eric's bed.

Eric, you are really into swords, mock battles, and Peter Pan. You like to be Captain Hook.

Ellie, you are really into princesses (today I had to call you Princess Eowyn). You love dressing in skirts (I don't think you've worn pants in the past nine months) and even more dressing in tulle. This is your play costume; it always cheers you up to wear it.

This is your headboard, Ellie. You have set it up very carefully with pictures of our family. This sock monkey is your favorite animal to hug at night.

Love,

Mommy

Strawberries and Sunshine

We all got out during a recent rare warm day. Or at least the boys did; Ellie stayed inside wearing her usual princess gear.

Learning To Play

One thing you learn being around young kids a lot is that we as adults have a lot to learn about how to play. Kids can anticipate an ice cream cone all day; we as adults can feel like we have little to look forward to, or not even notice the small pleasures in life. Kids play with disinhibited single-mindedness; we as adults get distracted, are always multi-tasking. Kids can imagine anything with very little hardware; we as adults rely on devices, on having images and stories fed to us, and find it harder to believe what we can't see. Kids get lost in the moment; we as adults let worries about the past or future interfere with the present. Any kid would forget the mundane in favor of what's fun; we as adults get so dragged down by the mundane we forget to have fun. Kids laugh a lot-- Elijah giggles now if you just look at him a certain way; Eric likes to crack himself up while doing goofy things like wearing his socks on his hands or walking around with a blanket draped over his face; Ellie goes into peals of laughter over certain sound effects or illustrations in books. We adults can go through a whole week without laughing.

Learning to play is important. It's important to our experience of Christ; I've been reading a book called Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places by Eugene Peterson that explores this concept well. God is a playful God, and we experience him and his creation when we play, in a way that we don't otherwise. It's important to our marriages-- there is the concept of marriage as sanctification, that marriage doesn't exist to make us happy as much as to make us holy-- but I'm learning that just as important is the metaphor of marriage as companionship. We are companions, and that means we play together, we laugh together. I heard Ted Cunningham, the author of Fun Loving You, give a good talk about that on Focus on the Family. It is important to our sex life; Dr. Rosenau writes well about that in A Celebration of Sex. It is important to our families; laughter dispels tense moments, helps us not take ourselves too seriously, and cultivates joy. I heard once about a family that had a rule that they must laugh together every day, and I thought that was great.

What does it mean to play? It means to anticipate fun and then experience fun with nothing held back. It means to enjoy the moment with enthusiasm, humor, verve. It means to do something for the sole purpose of recreation or amusement. It means feeling safe and secure enough to be silly, to take risks, to stop being self-conscious. It means to create: a moment, a story, an object, an experience. Play helps us focus on something outside of ourselves; it invites people to join, bonds people together.

I think play comes more easily to some adults than others, but all of us can be more intentional about it. Incorporating play can mean putting the laundry aside so we can focus all our energy on playing with our kids. It can mean preparing materials in advance so we can play more creatively together. It can mean purposely doing something goofy for the sole sake of making our spouse laugh. It can mean pointing out the humor in a situation that would otherwise be tense or awkward. It can mean scheduling time to do any type of fun activity: horseback riding, thrift-store shopping, driving into the country, sitting by a body of water, board games, tickling sessions, cooking lessons. I think the imaginative- and craft-oriented play comes pretty naturally to me, but it’s good for me to remember to plan for outing-oriented, event-oriented play, and in general that it’s okay to pause in the day’s agenda if it means we all have some fun.

She's Got Perspective

Ellie amuses herself sometimes for long periods of time with pencil and paper, and I typically don't pay much attention to whatever she's sketching, but tonight I sat down and took a good look at a piece she had given me earlier. It's a pretty panoramic scene of royalty, but look at the queen--- she knows how to draw with perspective! Not for the first time, but look how clearly she's gotten it now: she knows the queen should have only one eye, and half a smile. Not sure if the perspective extends to her feet since they still point in opposite directions, but... and she clearly has a crown, a sturdy throne, and a rather chunky hair-tie for her braid..

Recreational Companionship

This week we’ve been examining the need for recreational companionship. It seems to be a common scenario where a couple dates by going out to ball games, going hiking, playing tennis; then after they get married, it comes out that the girl doesn’t enjoy doing those things as much as the guy, and since they’re around each other all the time now and don’t need to do those things to see each other, they split up their hobbies. She goes shopping and takes art classes with friends, does crafts at home with the kids; he plays tennis and does fantasy sports with his buddies.

Not that that end scenario is wrong, but I’ve been realizing this week that to the guy, recreational companionship can be an actual emotional need: he looks for someone with whom he enjoys doing things together while dating, and he marries that person with the expectation and hope that she will continue to be his recreational companion for life. This is not a huge need for me; maybe like most women, I feel bonded with someone through conversation more than through mutual experience or outward activity, but to Dave this is important. It is okay for us to have separate hobbies sometimes, but the more we can learn to be each other’s best recreational companion, the more fulfilling our marriage will be. And the best way to be each other’s best recreational companion is to do things together that we both enjoy—if it’s just him dragging me along to play disc golf or tennis, or me dragging him along to the mall, it’s probably not going to last.

So we filled out this worksheet where we rated from -3 to +3 how much we enjoyed various activities and hobbies. If our numbers were both positive, we added them up. There were two activities that scored a six (going on an overseas missions trip, and doing bible study in a small group), and a longer list of fives. In some cases we had to have separate scores depending on whether the activity was with or without the kids (horseback riding, with kids—probably still a positive number. Classical concert with kids—definitely a negative). It gave us a lot of good ideas for things to try together, and experiences we can plan for as a family, and I think we’ll commit to doing one activity every month for now and see what happens.

But all this also helped me understand Dave as a person better: he is missional. He sees life as a journey. He values new experiences, travel, deepening relationships by going through experiences together. He experiences God and focuses on his inner self most through nature, getting out, going somewhere. I experience God sitting in a familiar corner with a book in hand—so a bit different, but there is a lot in me that responds to the missional too, if I learn to think that way, and prioritize and plan for new experiences. I think having kids has naturally hit his sense of self harder than mine, in that kids make it harder to travel, while I can read a book while nursing. But having kids is no excuse to not live more in this way, and I think being a missional family, reaching outward and experiencing new things together, is a good thing to teach our family, and a valuable way for us to learn and grow together. We’ll see how it goes.

Bringing The Good To Mind

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." - Phil 4:8

Today I am thinking about how important it is to build up a storehouse of good things about the people in our lives, especially our spouses and kids-- good photographs, written accounts of memorable conversations and moments, recognition of good traits and things we are thankful for.

There has been a lot of growth, deep discussion and reflection going on lately, in our marriage, in our parenting, and with that comes some exhaustion, some spiritual warfare, a battle against despondency, plus the usual ups and downs of having three kids aged four and under. It seems like either one or the other is keeping us up at night, or displaying bad behavior that challenges us to display the right balance of gospel-sharing love and boundary-enforcing discipline.

I heard a message the other day about how to deal with anger that recommended pulling that verse to mind, and applying it in the form of thinking about the good in the person you are upset at-- intentionally bringing to mind good about them-- and I think it's actually a really powerful exercise. I remember a parent sharing once that sometimes what helps them when their kid is having a bad day is to remember all the good moments with them, actually just bringing them to mind. That can be hard when we're in the middle of keeping our calm in the face of an illogical tantrum, or getting woken up at five A.M., so it helps to keep these things somewhere easy to access mentally.

So I'm building a virtual mental index card box of good things, about Dave, about the kids. Photographs are great for this. I keep a running folder on my computer, and now a photo stream that syncs between all my devices, of all my favorite photographs of them: Ellie and Eric sitting side-by-side on a bench facing a lake, holding hands while walking down the sidewalk, laughing while going down side-by-side slides. Elijah looking startled while getting kissed by both of them; all of us out eating frozen yogurt. Dave standing broad-shouldered in a dark grey wool jacket against the backdrop of Walden Pond on our first date. I also try to journal down funny sayings, made-up words, favorite stories, conversations and moments, since I know otherwise I'll forget.

Sometimes, in the middle of the screaming, stamping of feet, whining demands, spills, oily fingers, and stubbing of toes by toys, I pull up a mental index card. And it helps me hold on to my sanity for a moment. It reminds me that whatever is going on will pass. It helps me regain some perspective. It reminds me of who this person I love is, and was, and can be, when they aren't acting very loveable in the moment. It helps me see the best of them along with the worst of them, and reminds me that I love them in spite of and because of all of that. Because of course, that is how God loves me-- he sees not only my worst moments and thoughts, but my best, and since he is greater than time, he sees it all together as much as he sees me in the current moment. That's something interesting to wrap my mind around.

Kids and Handheld Devices

This article, promoting the banning of handheld devices for children under the age of twelve (the AAP recommends below the age of two), instigated some conversation between Dave and I. Interestingly, our kids get remarkably little exposure to technology of any sort, to the degree that we get questions and comments about it, but it almost is that way unintentionally. Eric gets disinterested in television programs after a few minutes. Ellie still refuses to watch most movies with a villain or a remotely scary scene (refuses to watch Cinderella because of the stepmother, for example). They know they are not allowed to have our phones, simply because they put it on auto-lock and accidentally dial people. When I first got an iPad I showed them a sketch app, which had some appeal, but they immediately fought over it and I decided real pen and paper were better and since then they just know it’s my computer that isn’t touched.

But electronic devices are in the hands of kids everywhere. When I take Ellie to her ballet class, virtually every boy waiting there is playing with some video game, phone, or tablet (all of the adults are too). It’s just an easy way to parent, I suppose. We do show the kids shows and movies during tiring days or when I need to get something important done (they are mostly into David Attenborough documentaries; we’re working our way through Life of Mammals). I do let them look at pictures I take of them on my phone, and occasionally let Ellie take pictures. That all said, I think it’s good to be purposeful about our kids and technology. I like the idea of them going without for as long as possible while they are young—the kids love going to the library, reading books, drawing and coloring, doing crafts, and they will occupy themselves doing that even out in public. I usually bring Eric some books, stickers, or portable crafts and he does just fine during her ballet lessons. I like the idea that they don’t see me staring at my phone all the time, or ignoring them while staring at my phone. As they get older, I don’t know—where and how do you draw the line, especially as they become aware of their peers having devices? I like the idea of not allowing them to take devices with them into their rooms at night or at all. But then again, I like a lot of ideas that may not be practical, so we’ll have to see how it plays out. For now, I’m glad the issue hasn’t been much of a struggle, and I should remember not to groan inwardly when Ellie asks me to read another book…

More About Sex

So this marriage class is giving us a good structure to work through some deep-rooted, difficult issues in our marriage, as well as providing a safe group environment to share some of that in. Two weeks ago, we worked through what it would mean to overcome angry outbursts. Last week, we worked through what it would mean to have a fully fulfilling sexual life—without getting into too much detail, I thought I would continue along the lines of an earlier post about sex in highlighting a few things I learned this week:

It is important and healthy to talk about this with each other. Sex can be one of the hardest things to talk about—we are often brought up without a model or experience of how to talk about it appropriately; we lack the verbage. We may feel embarrassed or haunted by past sins or hurts. We may subconsciously have a difficult time truly believing that sex in its intended nature is entirely good. We often expect our spouses to read our minds in this area in ways we would never expect them to read our minds otherwise. The more we talk openly about it, the easier it becomes and the better our relationship.

Solo sex in marriage is dangerous. I use that term to refer to any sexual experience or thought not involving our spouse—it would be easy to think that all disappears after you get married, but it doesn’t necessarily. If we aren’t careful, it can create a harmful pattern of behavior and drive you apart from your spouse sexually—because you are applying to them norms of sexual behavior you are gleaning from other sources, or conditioning your body to seek arousal or experience pleasure in certain ways that do not involve your spouse, or decreasing your sexual drive or desire for your spouse.

Our sexual life is a relationship, not an event. The world tells us our sex life is not fulfilling unless we are having sex at a certain frequency during which we experience simultaneous climax every time—and especially in our performance-oriented, results-driven, comparative culture, it can get too easy to focus on that. All that is really not the point. We may not need or want to climax every time. Frequency may ebb and flow depending on our needs or circumstances. The point is that we are talking, understanding, learning, growing, basically that we focus on relationship over results.

Never compare. This really goes for any area of what we do together—ministry, parenting, working—but there is no surer way to destroy or devalue what we have together than comparing, comparing ourselves to other couples or what is implied to be normal, comparing each other with other women or men. Maybe because there is so little healthy talk and appropriate community out there about it, we grasp at these comparisons, but in essence what we are doing is doubting God’s sovereignty and goodness, not accepting each other, opening the door to judgment instead of increasing intimacy. Our sex life is a room in which there is only him and me, and God. No one and nothing else.

Invite God in. Invite him into our sexual life. We did that this past week and I felt it was really powerful. Mostly we did that by praying together every night. It brought out clarity of purpose, unearthed important issues to work through. Have you considered what God is trying to say to you about your sexual life? Have you considered how much he cares about this aspect of you and your spouse?

Ellie, Future Thespian

Ellie got ahold of my phone today and took one hundred selfies for me to discover later. They were all of her making different faces into the camera. The girl is four and she knows how to apply different filters to the camera and I swear I usually never let her touch my phone. And here I used to have charming thoughts about giving my kids disposable cameras when they got older to encourage a photographic eye. And yes, that is a bloody booger that I tried to edit out with limited success.

Speaking of boogers, Eric hates it when I try to wipe out his boogers for him. This morning, he was in a grumpy mood, and when I got two big ones out, he was so upset he grabbed them and tried to stuff them back up his nostrils. It probably didn’t help that I couldn’t stop laughing.

Spiritual Vulnerability in Marriage

One thing this marriage class requires that we do every day is pray with each other. If this feels awkward, they say, just start. If you don’t know where to start, they say, use the ACTS model: during the second class, we filled out a worksheet for each of the steps and then prayed it out loud with each other.

It’s sort of startling to realize we’ve never really had a regular habit of praying together. We talk about emotional vulnerability in marriage, or physical vulnerability, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone talk about spiritual vulnerability. Growing up, our spiritual lives are often very private, and it can be somewhat of a learning process to share that part of your life openly and consistently with another person. I remember how it initially felt more awkward to worship next to Dave than to worship by myself. Ironically, it can be easier to practice regular spiritual vulnerability with a same-gender accountability partner than with your own spouse.

What does spiritual vulnerability mean? I think for me, it means simply sharing my spiritual life with Dave. Sharing about where I feel like I am, about what I’m reading about, what God is showing me, or if I feel I’m in a dry spell, being honest about that. It means building a collective spiritual life, a journey in which we come before and grow in Christ together, in a way that colors but isn’t entirely the same as our individual spiritual journeys. It means learning how to pray together, worship together, and practice spiritual disciplines together.

I’m not sure why intentionally and habitually sharing about our spiritual lives, and building a sense of our spiritual life together, is so difficult in marriage. Maybe it’s the erosion of constant exposure; we’re just around each other so much in so many more demanding contexts that it’s easier not to expend the extra effort. Maybe it reveals a lack of our own spiritual growth; if we don’t think much of God on our own, we’re unlikely to want to share that with each other. Maybe it’s sheer habit.

So at first, it felt awkward, even contrived, to be praying together at the end of the day before going to sleep. But I think it’s becoming a very good thing. A way we can filter through the muck of the day and stay in touch together with what is most important in our lives. A way we can process things out loud before God together. Sometimes I confess I’m so tired I drift in and out of focus, or so distracted my mind wanders, but sometimes I know it’s a powerful time and we are saying what the other person didn’t quite know how to put into words. And I feel like it is something that must please God a lot, that somehow just in overcoming the torpidity and inertia that keeps us from it, we are making a kind of stand, planting an invisible flag in the ground that says, this is who we are. This is who we want to be, a husband and wife who invite God into our relationship and our lives, who lives with our whole family before you.