“A child’s identity
develops slowly as characteristics and temperament manifest themselves. Parents
sometimes use their observations of these characteristics to label their child…
God’s intention for your child’s future usefulness in the cause of Christ may
be far beyond the seeming boundaries of his present temperament, gifts and
interests. To restrict or misdirect your child’s future by categorizing him
early in life can be a big mistake. Train your child to explore every potential
of his or her personality, and appreciate the freedom to choose.” –Consequences
of Labeling Children, BSF Home Training Lesson
We like to make sense of our world; we like to know how
we’re doing. And for much of life, we are trained or encouraged to do that by
comparing how we are doing relative to someone else. We dress according to
trends; we are graded on a curve; even moralism is becoming relative. Parenting
is something we are uniquely sensitive about—all of us care about whether we
are being good parents—yet it’s hard to assess in any standardized way. So it’s
no wonder that it’s particularly easy to compare ourselves as parents. To
compare our kids to other kids. To compare siblings with each other.
It’s good to parent in context, in community, and that means
drawing on observations of other parents and children to help us better
understand and parent our own—but when observations become generalizations, or
judgments, or envy, we head quickly down a slippery slope, whether we intend to or not.
One example of this that I’ve been mulling on lately is how
easy it can be to label our children. I do think Ellie’s temperament is more like
certain people in Dave’s family, and Eric’s is more like certain people in mine.
This helps us understand that they may act out in different ways, may
understand love and be motivated to change in different ways. If I’m frustrated
by something I don’t understand about Ellie, often Dave can offer good insight,
and vice versa about Eric. But it’s dangerous if we generalize too much about
their emerging personalities and temperaments, if we compare them too much with
other people or each other.
Our words as parents have creative power: what we speak over
our children becomes how they perceive themselves, how they are. If we say,
“she is so much like his mother,” I may be imputing all kinds of good and bad
things about his mother, not to mention any personal history I may have about
his mother, onto her. She may be like her in certain ways, but not like her in
others. She may change. The ways she is like her may manifest differently, may
be redeemed. I am robbing her of all of that potential by making generalizations
and assumptions. I may be shutting off work that God can do in her life. I may
be enabling generational curses without meaning to.
Our words also affect sibling dynamics. When I tell Eric he
is cute, Ellie often asks, “am I cute too?” Why is this? Because our children
hear what we don’t say as much as what we do. When we repeatedly praise one
child more than another for a certain attribute (so artistic! so athletic! so
smart! so pretty!), we need to remember that we are implying that their
siblings are less artistic, or
athletic, or smart. That is how they hear it, whether we mean it that way or
not. All of us have probably had this happen to us in some form or another, and
can probably attest that the self-perception it creates often carries into
adulthood.
This is definitely something I can work on: being
intentional about proffering similar praise to both kids. Not comparing my
children with someone else’s in non-constructive ways, or regarding attributes
they have no power to change. Not assuming that because I see a similarity
between my child and someone else, they will turn out the same way or be
similar in other ways. Constantly asking God to give me an open mind in
discerning my child’s tendencies. Being careful in general how I choose my
words, because what is spoken often does become what is true.
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