Parenting My Kids, Not Myself

I think one of the hardest things about parenting is learning to parent each child the way they need, not the way you would need if you were them. I’m sure parents of kids older than ours would have a lot more to say about this, but Ellie and Eric are old enough now that I’m noticing differences in what they need.

I find Eric’s way of thinking and feeling easier to understand, because he’s probably more like me. When he wants something, he is single-minded and strong-willed about it, but he’s willing to change his mind if presented with a reasonable option and given space to make the choice. He enjoys words of affirmation, but his sense of self isn’t terribly affected by things I say, good or bad. He enjoys being around people he loves, but feels drained and increasingly tired when around bigger groups.

Ellie is a little different. She easily changes her mind about what she wants depending on her emotions or relationships. Words are very important to her: she lights up when I say something affirming, and is devastated if I imply anything negative. She is an extrovert: the longer she is around other people, the more energized and worked up she gets.

I’ve been relearning, for example, that I need to be careful what I say to Ellie, not because I don’t know that words are important, but because they are more important to her than they are to me. She feels hurt even when I may not feel I’m speaking harshly. I throw out words in anger that affect her for a long time. I need to repeatedly say things I may take for granted, for example, that I love her even if she misbehaves.

She’s young enough that sometimes she just tells me what she needs: “mommy, am I being good too like Eric? Am I beautiful today? I feel like you were too harsh. Do you love me too?” But sometimes I don’t know what’s going on with her. I find her overly emotional or histrionic. I don’t understand why she’s acting out and can’t tell me. I forget that she needs to get out and be around other people more than I would want to. She’s so verbal and insightful typically that I sometimes even forget to remember she’s just four. I have to remember not to judge her as I would myself.

Parenting is hard because it’s so easy to have blind spots, but so hard to accept criticism, or even just to find people who know you and your kids well enough to offer specific advice. It’s so hard to treat all your children fairly, yet differently in the ways they need. Sometimes I feel like it’s just stepping through one moment or stage at a time, trying to be open to advice, asking God to wipe out the consequences of your mistakes, asking God to help you forgive yourself for those mistakes, and praying like heck that God would give you the insight you need, the power to do what goes against your own tendencies, and the faith that your kids are in his hands in the end.