Myers-Briggs: Applications for Marriage and Parenting

An insightful commenter brought up the Myers-Briggs personality types, and I started going back through some study notes I had, and figured I might as well write them out. The basic content is straight out teaching from our pastor and friend, and the rest are my strictly amateur thoughts.

1. Extroversion vs. Introversion: where you get your energy. An extrovert gets energy from being around people; an introvert from being alone. Does not have to do with whether you are a “people person” or how loud/quiet you are in crowds. I’s tend to be more introspective, more focused on family. E’s may consider non-blood people family. I’s can see E’s as gregarious, needy. E’s can see I’s as self-absorbed, mysterious.

Knowing this about someone helps you know how to help meet their needs, so they are then more energized and able to function. In marriage for example, I’s can love E’s by letting them go out without them, and E’s can love I’s by being sensitive to when I’s are “done” and need to leave. With parenting, it helps me to realize that as an E, Ellie is actually better when we’re alone if she’s had time to be around other people. And of course, it helps to expect Eric to be clingy or quiet when we’re in crowds, and be okay with that.

2. Sensing vs. Intuition (N): how you receive information. Sensors receive it through concrete experience, the past, statistics, examples, what’s practical. You can’t know something until you experience it. Tends to be focused on details. The intuitive receive information through their own intuition; by considering the long-term, big picture, what’s possible. Tends to be less practical, more futuristic.

If you are an S, the most important secondary letter to determine your personality is J/P: SJ’s want their environment to have order; SP’s want things to look nice but don’t use a system anyone can identify. If you are an N, the most important secondary letter is F/T: NF’s are idealists who can be critical and try to fix things; NT’s tend to always think they are right.

Knowing this about someone helps you understand how to communicate with them, what matters to them, how they understand things. As an S, when we fight I’m always saying, “name one time that happened”; as an N, Dave can’t think of an example, but just knows it is that way. Our kids seem too young yet for me to figure out whether they prefer experience or intuition, but I suppose I could communicate to them using examples or a big-picture idea (as an S I’m not even sure what that would mean), and see which they prefer.

3. Feeling vs. Thinking: how you make your decisions. F’s decide based on how they feel; T’s based on how they think. T’s tend to see things as “right” and “wrong,” be rule-oriented, logical, have a justice gifting; F’s tend to see things based on a personal value system, have a mercy gifting.

Knowing this about someone helps you, well, not judge them, because it seems to me this can be a particularly polarizing area. When it comes to small decisions, I can be a T, but I’m at heart more of an F, and make all my big decisions that way (who to marry, where to move, whether to have another kid), and knowing that helps Dave not to think I’m crazy when all I have to say about a decision is that I have a “gut feeling.” Same goes for kids: knowing Ellie is an F when she makes decisions helps me ask, not “why is she being so irrational?” but “what is this showing me about what she values?” Knowing Eric is a T helps me ask, not “why is he being so stubborn?” but “how can I help guide his logic?”

4. Judging vs. Perceiving: how you view your outside world. J’s like organization, a script. P’s like options, flexibility. J’s can see P’s as unorganized, flighty, undependable. P’s can see J’s as controlling, rigid, boring, manipulative.

Many people think they should be a J because of how our society functions, and test that way when they are actually P’s. If you didn’t have a schedule or deadline, would you still plan your day, or clean your room, or have a rigid schedule?

Knowing this about someone helps you function with them. I appreciate how Dave as a J always has a good plan for the day; as a P it’s also nice when he gives me some flexibility or understands if I just want to do nothing on my day off. Ditto for our kids: I’m thinking Ellie is a J because she asks me twenty times in a row, “what are we doing today? And then what are we doing after that? And then what are we doing after that?” Hmm—I’m getting the sense that as a P, I need to make an extra effort to have a planned-out day for my J child…

Of course, there are spectrums for all this. It’s an interesting exercise to draw four lines, with each pairs of letters on either end, and then map out where you think you are on the spectrum for each line. Then where your spouse is. Then where you are as a couple (there often seems to be a dominant personality for the couple or family). Then where your own family is. Then where his own family is. Then where each of your siblings and their spouses are. Then where your kids are. Then where you think your business or work-place is, even what your culture (Asian, Western, etc) is.

It is also interesting to map out how you think you tested over time. I tested ISTJ for a long time because our family is a strong ISTJ, but after I married Dave, after I finished my medical training and had less outward structure in life, my ISFP personality emerged. I smiled at one note I wrote: “happier since marriage because marriage has allowed my F- and P-ness, kept my I-ness, and career allows my S-ness.”

Is there an ideal personality type? In our culture, probably an ESTJ. But for me, for our family, I don’t think it’s as much a value judgment as it is a tool to understand how to better communicate, live with, and love each other. A way to understand each other so we don’t take things as personally; a way to overcome our own blind spots. God created us all different for a reason, and that can be a strength as well as a weakness depending on how we use it.