Loving

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels
but have not love
I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal

There is still a basic part of me that struggles with the fact that marriage it not about me. Or meeting my needs. It doesn’t revolve around how I feel, whether I am happy, whether my dreams are being fulfilled. The purpose of marriage is for me to sanctify him, for the eternity we will exist in one day, and God has determined that doing this for him is one of the very best things I can do for myself.

It’s sort of like the rest of life, where you at one point knew that the purpose of life involved something pretty huge and selfless, but somehow it all degenerates into everyday tedium. Like feeling as if I spend my entire life washing dishes and rewashing dishes. Or constantly feeling grumpy because I’m tired.

Much of this boils down to selfishness, but in marriage it’s easier to feel this way, because it’s the relationship from which you expect the most for yourself, yet have the latitude to get the laziest about investing in. In this regard it’s easier to be a mother: I don’t expect the baby to give me much, and there’s no margin for getting lazy about giving to her. As a result, I’m constantly giving, and somehow this ties me more to her and makes me love her more, and then in the instance that she does return some affection, I am wildly happy.

Unfortunately, I often approach overcoming selfishness in marriage with a habitual sort of willful confidence: I figure if I try hard enough not to be selfish, it’ll eventually work. Of course, this breaks down, usually at the worst possible time, like when he’s home from a thirty-six hour shift or when the baby decides to have a crying fit.

I usually end up realizing that focusing on just saying or doing the right thing misses the basic point. The part where it’s about more than myself; the part about loving him. This real kind of love is hard to do when we’re both getting by, but it’s more important than getting by. It’s more important than how I feel; more important than me. It’s also completely beyond me, but it’s something I can ask God for. Until I get this, I’m missing the point.