Bitterness

Get rid of all bitterness. –Ephesians 4:31

See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up. –Hebrews 12:15

I was thinking about bitterness. Bitterness happens because we feel entitled to something; because we feel we deserve something, either just from life, or because of what we did, or because of what someone else has. I feel life owes me being born into a happy family, or getting married by a certain age. I feel because I was pure before marriage, I deserve to immediately have an amazing sex life, and popular media tells me that should happen automatically, without work. I feel I deserve higher pay or a certain accolade because I’m better than the colleague who got it.

Bitterness happens when we can’t let go of our hurt or anger. Maybe we feel our hurts were never understood, or acknowledged, or apologized for. Maybe we feel powerless to change anything. Maybe we never acknowledged the depth of our anger. Maybe something big happened once, or maybe it was many smaller things over a period of time, but we hang on to it, and it changes us. We become cynical, jaded, judgmental. It numbs the hurt, suppresses the anger, and allows us to believe we’ve dealt with it.

Bitterness grows over time, and we feed it. Suddenly everything we see on television or read in a book, everything we see in our friends, every new incident or hurt or inconvenience becomes justification for how we feel.

Sometimes it takes me a long time to realize I am bitter about something, towards someone. Particularly if it relates to some deep grief or hurt I have been harboring for a long time. Usually I realize I become easily angry despite trying not to be, or that cynical, judgmental thoughts and words habitually come into my mind. I realize I have started to believe things about that person or myself that are a product of my bitterness and perhaps not the truth at all.

Because the truth is, we don’t deserve anything in this life. Christ, despite what life may have owed him and despite his faultless deeds, suffered the most of all. We don’t deserve an easily perfect marriage; we don’t deserve having babies or loving parents or great jobs. These are gifts in a broken world.

And the truth is, we need to confront our hurt and anger. We need to acknowledge it, and work through it, with God, a friend, a counselor. Being bitter is easy. Seeking help, processing it, is much harder.

And in the end, we can choose to let go of our bitterness. In this way I feel freed a little to understand better what God’s grace in my life means. I feel freed to receive an apology. I feel freed to express my hurt. I feel freed to start working through an issue. I feel freed to begin to learn what God wants to teach me through it. I feel freed to hope again. Because, until I get rid of bitterness, I can’t really experience hope or joy.