Raising A Sensitive Child

“… it is primarily parenting that decides whether the expression of sensitivity will be an advantage or a source of anxiety.” – Elain Aron, PhD

During breakfast this morning, Ellie spilled her milk while attempting to pour milk from her cup into her cereal bowl. I sighed in frustration, and asked her to be more careful as I was cleaning up. I noticed a while later that she wasn’t eating; she was sitting there pouting and tearing up. I asked her what was going on, but she refused to say anything. I got more and more frustrated at her silence and at one point snapped, “why do you have to be so sensitive?”

I apologized afterwards, but it made me think about what it means to parent a sensitive child. I’m not a sensitive person, and in fact, tend to have little patience with people who are overly emotional. A lot of this came to a head when I started teaching Ellie math and piano this year: we’d get a point where she’d make a mistake, but instead of discussing why or problem-solving, she’d just shut down. I’d keep gently asking, “what is this note? we just played the same one last measure” or “do you remember which column you add first?” and she’d just sit there, mute. It was hard for me not to get frustrated.

What I gradually realized is that while I am task-focused, Ellie is relationally-driven. While I tend to rebut when criticized, she becomes paralyzed. She is so sensitive to my disapproval that she is unable to move forward or function if she thinks she messed up, especially if she thinks I might be upset about it. I have to forget about the task until she feels relationally restored and emotionally stabilized.

I did some reading about sensitive children: typically they are wired to be very responsive to their environment, whether physically, emotionally, spiritually, or socially. They may be overwhelmed by too much stimuli or changes in the environment, are highly aware, may seem to overreact.

I don’t think Ellie fits all the criteria by far—she has no problems adapting to change; she doesn’t mind busy, stimulating environments—but I do think she’s sensitive in a few major ways. She is very tuned in to people’s moods. She can be overly empathetic, especially when she was younger—one time, she was so upset after seeing a polar bear eat a seal on a nature documentary that she kept crying and couldn’t sleep (there was also a phase where Eric would step on bugs and that devastated her). She is perhaps more easily distracted; sometimes it can take her a long time to finish a lesson at school. Finally, she is easily crushed by criticism, and can take anything negative very personally, even when I don’t mean it that way.

There are a few ways I can help parent a more sensitive child like Ellie better. First, I need to not respond in frustration, but see her sensitivity as a gift: it’s how she sees the world, and the sooner I accept and appreciate it, the sooner I can help her take advantage of the strengths it gives her: she has empathy that can turn into compassion. She naturally seeks to please which makes her responsive to gentle forms of discipline, not to mention naturally well-behaved at school. She is perceptive, which is a gift socially and spiritually. Sensitive people tend to be creative and imaginative, and she is certainly that! Her spontaneous drawings, brilliant imagination, and creative ideas are really wonderful.

Secondly, I need to remember that she needs, and really soaks up, positive affirmation. I need to be mindful of building up her self-confidence, both through positive comments and also applying the gospel so she deeply internalizes her worth in Christ. One study discussed in the Harvard Business Review found that the ideal praise-to-criticism ratio was 5.6 for the highest-performing teams—nearly six positive comments for every negative one. For Ellie, that ratio may be even higher.

Articles also mention things like aiding focus by providing a quiet environment, or partnering with her to achieve goals rather than applying harsh discipline—I think we already do most of that with her, but good to keep in mind.

Most importantly, when Ellie has an emotional response or is shutting down, I need in my heart to be completely and consistently accepting of how she is, because she can sense even small hints of disapproval or can be driven by fear based on my past responses. I need to remember that she may take something personally even when it doesn’t seem remotely offensive to me. I need to ask God to change my heart, and give me a spirit of compassion and insight. I need to listen and understand rather than judge or denigrate her feelings.

And as she opens up, I can teach her more about how to handle her emotions, how to react when people may seem harsh to her. And I can naturally build on the strengths her sensitivity brings, and learn from her when I’m not being as aware as she is of what’s going on with others.