Things That We Lose

I have made the slightly startling discovery that my love for E is not something I can take for granted. Just like my love for God, or my husband, it is something I can choose to nurture, or choose to turn off. For some reason I thought a mother’s love was immune to this, that somehow it transcended the usual rules. I thought mothers never got tired or critical of their babies, never felt distant from them or apathetic about them. Or that if they did, it lasted only a moment before they were again overcome by effusive maternal feelings.

In a way she is easier to love than the other things I have committed to loving in my life. She is naturally adorable; she looks to me for security and identity. But in other ways she is more difficult to love. She can’t reciprocate, can’t understand what I say or always tell me how she feels. She can be incredibly moody and often unreasonable. Sometimes she is heart-breakingly cute, but other times she doesn’t look all that attractive.

One thing I have found since returning to work is that if I choose not to focus on her, not to intentionally love her, it is easy simply not to. It is easy when investing long hours and mental energy at work for my relationship with her to become functional. On the surface things seem okay—I manage to rush feeding her before heading to the OR, manage to get home in time to feed her before bedtime—but something changes in how I am towards her, how I see her. Something is lost in my delight in her.

This is the same way it is with God, and with marriage. There are things in our lives that are incredibly important but rarely demanding, and if we aren’t careful they slip away. The kind of intimacy with God that informs and guides our day. Delight in and deep respect for our spouse. An overflowing heart towards our children; awareness of the privilege it is to be a mother.

These are things I’m asking God to restore to me. I don’t know quite what it means yet to balance work and motherhood or marriage, but at least I know what I can’t afford to lose. And I’m asking for the insight and courage to see the choices I have, and make the right ones when I can.