“I have imagined what
it will be like when Lisa comes face to face with God. The Bible guarantees
this will actually happen. One day, my wife will stand before the Creator and
Judge of all things. … Because I am crazy about Lisa, I want her to have a
great life. But more than that, I want her to have a great eternity.” – Francis
Chan, You And Me Forever
I’ve been meditating on the singular emphasis our culture
places on sexual romantic love—as Tim Keller said, “there’s never been a
culture in the history of the world that puts so much emphasis on and hope in
sex”—and how I like to think I live on my own terms, but in reality, I’m a
creature of my culture. How could we not be? And how can our fixation on sex
and romance not bleed into our relationships? So in some teensy way, I think that
a great marriage means we have to always be jumping into bed together. That our
marriage is about what fulfills me, or makes me look good, or solves my
problems. Because our idolization of the romantic other is really about writing
our own self-worth or meeting our own needs.
Not that our needs aren’t met in a healthy marriage, but
that’s not really what it’s about. I like how Francis Chan describes it: and
when I picture Dave standing before God one day, what do I want for him? I want
him to have no regrets about how he lived his life. I want him to be so
accustomed to worship that to be finally in God’s presence is a joyful
extension of his life. I want him to know his closest friends and family will
be in heaven and to have the peace of knowing he did all he could to see that. I
want him to have a great reward; to know that he served and suffered
faithfully, that he rooted out sin in his life, that the path he walked was
straight and true.
So the question I should be asking is: how do I help prepare
him for that day? How do I present him in
splendor, without spot or wrinkle, holy and without blemish [Eph 5:27]? I
create an attitude of God-centered worship in our marriage so we can practice
that together. I support his ministry and career calling; I help process visions,
call out gifts. I identify, work through, and pray for areas of sin or growth.
I join in praying and relating to his friends and bring healing and build
bridges in his family. I help create margin so that he can enjoy personal time
with God. I delight in him and show him God’s affection, delight, humor and
joy.
And yes, sex is a way I do those things: have delight,
affection, humor; deepen our bond; foreshadow reunion with God in eternity.
It’s important, but certainly not everything, and not really anything like the
me-centered consumeristic image-and-performance conscious sex we are blasted
with culturally.
It would be interesting to ask: how does an
eternity-conscious perspective of marriage affect how we date? It probably
wouldn’t be finding the externally-perfect person who also happens to be a
Christian. Or finding someone who meets every item on my checklist. Or finding
someone who makes me feel good or look good. If I were talking to Ellie in
twenty years, I’d probably ask, who helps you be sanctified? Pushes you to grow
in Jesus? Who can you relate to so closely, easily, and have such delight in,
that you see yourself helping in their sanctification over your lifetimes?
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