Raising Kind Kids

“After all, when’s the last time you saw a bumper sticker that said PROUD PARENT OF A KIND KID?” – Michele Borba, TIME magazine article “Why Kids Need More Empathy”

If you had to pick whether your kid would be the most beautiful, the most intelligent, the most athletic, or the most kind, what would you choose? I remember talking about this with Dave once during a car trip around the time we were having our first kid. I was tempted to pick most beautiful. I think I ended up picking most intelligent.

Dave didn’t think twice about picking most kind. This wasn’t a hypothetical for him; he genuinely would feel most proud of our kids if they turned out to be kind people, more proud than if they were smart, or pretty, or athletic.

This is somewhat countercultural. Just consider the selfie, which didn’t exist back when I was a kid. Our one year-old knows about selfies. Studies have shown that we are an increasingly self-absorbed culture (one rated narcissism as occurring 58% more often among college students as compared with three decades ago). And this seeps into our parenting: we arrange our lives around our kids, monitor whether everything around them is for their best, praise them constantly whether they actually do well or not. In one study, 80% of youth said their parents cared more about their achievement or happiness than whether they cared for others.

At the same time, there seems to be an increasing number of articles out there about how important it is to raise kids who are kind. An article in the current issue of TIME highlights empathy as the trait most important in determining happiness and success. David Brooks discusses the “eulogy virtues” as opposed to the “resume virtues.” A NYT article titled “Raising The Moral Child” suggests instilling kindness in children by praising character over action. A blogger I read discussed how she never publicly brags about her kids except when they do something kind.

The more I think about it, the more I buy that Dave is right. It’s certainly biblical. And interestingly, it’s the one thing that I face teaching the earliest as a parent. I don’t really have to face teaching our kids to score the most goals or be first in their class or do their makeup right: I struggle every day, from the time they are infants onwards, to teach them to be kind. To share, to clean up after themselves, to be generous, to speak edifying words, to choose not to escalate a fight. To identify, process, and deal with their emotions in an undestructive fashion. To guard their noise level in consideration of a sleeping sibling.

How does one raise kind kids? On one hand, we are all born with a sinful nature, and the Bible is clear that we need Christ to redeem us, and the help of the Holy Spirit living in us to transform us to live the way we should. It’s not in my kids’ natures to be kind, and ultimately they can’t do it without Christ. So I continue to pray that they come into and one day be inwardly transformed by a saving knowledge of Christ.

On the other hand, kindness can be taught to some degree. Certainly, when we prioritize and model kindness as parents, it comes through to our kids. When I drop Ellie and Eric off for school each morning, I say “be kind to someone today!” When I see them doing something that involves putting aside their own preferences for someone else, I comment on it. We discuss kindness if we read about it in a book or story; we try to practice gratitude. We do projects together that involve giving gifts or thinking of how we can help someone else. When they kids get in fights, I try to help them understand how to think about what the other person may be feeling, both in the immediate setting but also more deeply in the context of their development as a person. Some day it would be great to take the kids on a missions trip or at least travel enough to broaden their ideas of others.

I guess that’s one good thing about having a lot of kids: they’re always having to think about others. This morning Elijah ran down the stairs screaming because Eric had “left him behind,” which woke Esme up, and I got him by the shoulders and asked him to consider how his noise had disturbed her. I got to thinking how Esme will never have to worry about waking a sleeping baby, whereas Elijah has had to be aware so often of that. Even Esme’s experience now as a baby is so different than Ellie’s just because she has three siblings instead of none.

Still, it’s good to be intentional about it, and to know we are doing something important in those days when it all seems like an uphill battle. Ellie got her first love note the other day. The boy wrote, “Ellie you are so sweet and kind to me that is why I am giving this to you.” I couldn’t be prouder.