Dates

When I used to work full days, Dave and I would regularly meet for lunch, and I think he especially enjoyed that: seeing me in professional garb, in my confidently-positive work mode, mentally distanced from home matters. That habit evaporated after I transitioned to shorter days after Esme was born, but today we managed to meet after several cancelled OR cases left me with some extra time. Dave talked about his dissertation, which I (sadly) finally understood and was able to process some with him.

It’s strange how sometimes it takes getting out in a new setting to connect in certain ways. I always used to think, well, we can just talk after the kids go to bed—and sometimes we do, but more often we don’t. He’s getting steps and doing homework; I’m finishing chores or reading a novel. There’s something to be said for being creative about in-home dates, and with intentionality they work, but probably one of the biggest things I’ve learned is that paying for regular dates outside the home, where we are away from the kids and try not to even talk too much about the kids, is worth the effort. Which for me mostly means it’s worth paying a sitter for: as any couple with kids knows, it’s not just the cost of the actual date, but the not-insignificant cost of hiring a sitter for that time. People without kids must take for granted how easy it is to get out.

There’s so much about marriage that changes with having young kids, and one thing can be that you’re so busy, or depleted, meeting the needs of your kids that you lose focus on your own needs, and your spouse’s needs. There’s being attentive to expressing respect and love. There’s figuring out how to have a fulfilling sexual life in an environment where spontaneity and energy are scarce. There’s being aware of how your spouse is doing spiritually. For Dave, I figured out a major need was one of recreational companionship: where we do something new together, or have some experience outside of the house together. Traveling together has become harder and harder the more kids we had—not that some couples don’t pull it off—but we decided to hire a regular sitter every week. It’s time we use to lead a small group, or when the groups aren’t meeting, meet with other couples, go sit in a coffee shop together.

But today’s conversation was a reminder to me to be more proactive about finding new or different things we can do together. I’m more likely to get excited about reading a good book in bed than going out anywhere, so it’s some effort, but I sometimes think back to our dating days. How adventurous we were! And we still relive those memories. So it might be time to make some new ones.