Three Weeks

I’m pretty sure “sleep while your baby is sleeping” is the best advice I’ve most hated. Yes, as soon as the baby closes her eyes, I should rapidly wind down and shut off my mind, get as comfortable in bed as my achy, milk-filled chest will let me, ignore the bright midday sunlight, and try to sleep for what may be ten minutes or, at most, two hours. Repeat this cycle eight to ten times a day around the clock, and you pretty much have the last three weeks. I get so tired of constantly trying to sleep, yet I’m not really good for anything else.

I think that’s the worst: when I’m asleep, never getting to sleep properly (deeply or long), and when awake, never getting to be awake normally. Being awake is like living underwater. I feel groggy, I move slower, and I have a feeling my perspective is skewed: objects in the mirror are different than they appear. I have to constantly tell myself: it’s okay. Let it go. It’s not the end of the world if the kids break a few rules or mold is overtaking the shower tiles. That comment was not meant to be as hurtful or annoying as it sounded. You’re just tired.

Speaking of which, Esme is sleeping. So off I head to bed.