Parenting

“Never before have parents been so (mistakenly) convinced that their every move has a ripple effect into their child’s future success.” –Madeline Levine

“Parents want their kids’ approval, a reversal of the past ideal of children striving for their parents’ approval.” Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell, professors of psychology

I was reading this New Yorker article entitled “Spoiled Rotten: Why Do Kids Rule The Roost?” which contrasts American kids with those in societies where children are better behaved and take on more responsibility at an earlier age. A six-year old in the Matsigenka tribe sweeps every day and catches and serves crustaceans for meals. Children in France eat adult meals rather than snacking constantly, behave well in restaurants, and don’t live in houses where toys have overtaken every room. Parents in America are too much at the whim of whatever their children want to eat or play with. They don’t discipline or say “no” often or well enough. They try to control and monitor every aspect of their children’s lives. Their kids must eat organic food, learn five instruments, and go to a top college.

There is a lot of truth to this, thus the emergence of books like “Bringing Up Bebe” and blogs like “Confessions of a Mean Mommy” (neither of which I’ve read completely but both of which I so far mostly agree with).

My parenting inclinations have been influenced a lot by my mom, and our own personalities. I ate sushi while pregnant (as I hear women in Japan all do?), and had the occasional glass of wine. Not to mention the fact that I chewed sugar-free gum and ate deli meat. We let both our babies cry it out (my mom says it’s good exercise). I expect E to be able to have a thirty-minute quiet time, help with simple chores and with her brother, and be polite. She knows she is not allowed to scream (she gave herself a time-out for this once) or throw.

At the same time, there are things I’m working on. I used to give her snacks during the commute to childcare back in Baltimore, and it took me a while to wean her, and myself, off the idea that she needed food in the car to stay quiet. I habitually held her in restaurants and stores until I realized I could expect her to sit quietly in grocery carts and high chairs. I sometimes do things for her that she ought to do herself, because it is easier and faster; my first instinct is often to mollify her, rather than expect her to accept a “no” without fussing.

On the one hand, parenting a certain way is a matter of ideology, of realizing what you believe, in the context of how you were raised and what society assumes. I don’t think my every action will determine her every outcome. I don’t think my giving in to every cry or demand shows her constant love; quite the opposite. I don’t think she is the one in charge of our lives or our moods, though she has obviously changed how we live. I believe the better I expect her to behave, the better she behaves. The more I teach her, the more she absorbs. The more I repeat positive things rather than nag her about negative ones, the more she repeats positive behavior. I don’t believe her worth is based on achievements or comparisons, any more than I believe mine is.

On the other hand, parenting is a matter of practical endurance. The strongest beliefs can be worn down, and following through with them requires time, energy, forethought, and a supernatural amount of patience. Otherwise you end up doing what is easier, which is often not what’s best.

So it’s good to read things, to get advice, to regularly remind myself of what I believe. It’s easy for parenting habits to succumb to societal trends or my own selfishness and laziness, like anything else that no one else is closely watching. But I suppose the things that no one else sees are often the things that are the most important in the end. Funny how life works like that.