A friend of mine who recently had a second baby just wrote a post on angst about motherhood versus career, and it made me think about how the same basic conflict plays out for me.
What I dream about in my career is not so much doing basic academics, but being an excellent clinician: someone who operates a lot and well, who thinks of surgical innovations, who is there for her patients, who does a lot of teaching. To do that, really even just to operate a lot and well, you have to be available all the time, both to build up the surgical volume that hones your skills, and to handle all the peri-operative concerns and complications that are inevitable. And you really can’t ever quit entirely. You could probably come back to psychiatry or general medicine after being out of the field for ten years, but it would be hard to operate again after so long.
What I dream about for my family is having a lot of kids, as in more than three. When I see a healthy family with a lot of kids, I feel the same way, perhaps even more strongly, that I do when I hear about some famous surgeon. And I genuinely like being at home with her. I like seeing how happy E is when I’m around, knowing what she’s learning rather than wondering where she picked something up.
What works now is working about three days a week, which I’m hoping will hold true after a second baby comes, but who knows how it will be with a third or perhaps a fourth? Do any of us truly think about this when we choose our career? I don’t regret the past twelve-odd years of training, but it was hard work, with investments from teachers and foundations that paid a lot of money, so I could—have my choice of part-time private practice jobs?
I think every woman faces this at some point in her life. On a basic level, it’s inevitable. You’re raised your whole life to achieve goals, to succeed relative to your peers, to obtain outward results, and being a mom is pretty much the opposite of that. Motherhood is about doing with persistence and unflagging spirit an endless number of terribly mundane things. No one’s grading you on how well you change a diaper. Depressingly enough, not even your kid will remember any of it. It is about the process, not the product.
But I think much of Christ’s life was like that. There were the occasional large lectures and flashier miracles, but much of it was a life of quiet sacrifice, without recognition. Centered on a few relationships rather than the applause of many. Full of solitude and what must have felt to a divine being like unnecessarily mundane tasks. One could argue he gave up a lot more in assuming the humble life than I ever could.
All I know now is, I’m taking it one step at a time. I’m not beholden to the past, to institutions or what anyone else thinks, even to myself. I’m not beholden to anyone except God and what I feel is the thing he has called me to now. That helps a bit now, and I’m hoping will kick in during the doubts and trials that are sure to come in the future.
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I've been following your blog pretty consistently for the past year, and I've been wanting to write you and let you know I appreciate every single one of your posts...you are such a great and sincere writer...your posts all resonate in some way for me and are very inspiring.
ReplyDeleteThe topic of Motherhood vs. Career has been a big conflict in my life as a mother of a 18-month-old and soon another to come.
I was pregnant with my daughter when I was a year shy from finishing college. I pushed school back for a year, and had finally graduated this June. My husband and I are expecting our second baby in early December. We really wanted our kids to be closer in age, and we dream about having a big family. But being 23 and fresh out of college, the other side of me (outside of the motherhood me) can't help but dreaming big and ambitious...I want a job that I genuinely enjoy doing, and I want a career that impresses myself and hopefully other people. On the other hand, I really see it as an advantage that I am able to stay home with my daughter...like you said, I know where she picked up something, and I love spending time with her and teaching her myself. Not seeing her for a date night evening already makes me miss her terribly. We are not a wealthy family (though we certainly do not lack anything we need!) but for me to stay at home makes the most sense for our financial condition (My staying at home means we save on childcare cost and can have more homecooked meals).
I guess my biggest problem is that I care about how other people and this society are going to think of me, more than what God wants for me. I am scared of being defined only as a mother...and won't be able to tell other people: oh, I had (or could have) a career but eventually chose to stay at home. I want to go back to school for a graduate degree, but having a family makes picking a career a lot harder than I thought. I need to think about the time and money investment, hours and pay, flexibility and the sacrifices that come with the job (less time with the kids; letting other people raise my kids, etc.) I pray for wisdom, guidance, and patience among all this conflict in my mind. And I am really just taking it one step at a time as well, for now.
Oops, sorry this has turned into such a long comment. Thank you for a post that makes me think and know that I am not alone.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment. I think I cared for a long time what other people and society thought of me, and it was probably the cynicism of going through residency that drilled it out of me- it was so difficult with both of us being residents, dropping her off at daycare at 6:30AM and not seeing her again for over twelve hours, that I decided nothing was worth that.
ReplyDeleteThat said, there are a lot of great careers that allow you a healthy sense of self-fulfillment, and more balance in life leading to sometimes better spirits when you are at home; but you're right, deciding you're going to pursue one, and investing in the training, is a lot more complicated when you have to figure out how much it'll affect your kids, which is especially hard when they're young.
But I guess it's good to get to the bottom of why things bother us, and figure out what God wants, no matter what our circumstances are, because it's really hard to have true peace and clarity until we're in that place- and in the meanwhile we can both pray together for guidance and patience. Exciting you're having a second one! Actually, as far as big families go, it's great to start early, and sometimes (I'm thirty now) I wish I had. I guess that would have taken a greater toll on the career, but somehow I don't think I would have regretted it.