“Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements? Surely you know!” –Job 38:4-5
I sometimes wonder if one day I will wake up and someone will inform me that instead of being pregnant, I have actually been afflicted with a strange gastrointestinal illness. As far as I can tell so far, pregnancy is indistinguishable from a mutated form of irritable bowel disease.
I have now moved beyond constant nausea to nightly gas pains. A surgery resident once told me that you could take someone’s small bowel and slice it in two right in front of them and they would feel nothing. Blow it up instead with air, and they’d double over in pain. Ironically, gas pains do feel, well, sharp and stabbing—you know what it is, you know it will pass, but by golly does it feel like someone’s at it with a butcher knife.
Makes me think on how oddly the receptors in our body are wired to interpret certain stimuli. Despite no visible inflammation, the smallest corneal abrasion can cause severe photophobia (read: most difficult patients to examine in the emergency room). Irritated eyelids can cause a feeling of gritty sand stuck in the eyes. I saw a patient last month with Charles-Bonnet syndrome: wherever she went, she saw a small girl in a red dress standing in the corner. No visible brain or ocular disease; no treatment other than reassurance that what she sees is not real. I read about a patient who saw his mother everywhere. Now that would be spooky.
Sometimes the analyst in me tries to reason things out, but for the most part I have to say: I don’t know. It’s amazing how often I say that at work. What is causing my glaucoma? Will there ever be a treatment for optic neuropathy? Will my double vision get better? Will this laser make my retinopathy go away? Why does the uterus have to be right next to the bowels and bladder? I can guess, but I don’t know.
I suppose that in the end, I don’t need to know. I just need peace, to feel understood, to know that a purpose exists. The more I study and train, the more I encounter faith. One could say the same goes for pregnancy.
Week Thirteen
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I totally did that to my GP. I went in for a PT referral for my hip and she wanted to do an xray. I said something like my cycle was really late and I was either pregnant or I had been slightly ill for month. She asked if I had done a test and I said no, so she ordered a pregnancy test--I was positive.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the gas phase. I totally forgot about it, but I had that too. REALLY excruciating. I've never been so good at eating fiber as during that time.