I had a jarring experience at work today. I found out a procedure I had prided myself on doing well, and quickly, I had actually been doing wrong all along. My attending had left and trusted me to do it on my own, only to then come back and spend precious OR time redoing it all several times.
Later tonight I kept replaying each step of the procedure in my mind. I’m not sure why it bothered me so much, more than it really seemed to bother anyone else. Maybe because this was something I had a particular reputation in my class for being confident about doing. Maybe because my particular Hopkins-cultivated fear about acting like I know something only to be wrong came to be. Maybe because my own fear about sacrificing quality for efficiency came to be. Maybe because I put too much pride and credit in being good with my hands, have put too much stock in how easily I learn procedures. Definitely because at heart I am a performance-driven, approval-seeking being who wants to be the perfect resident.
I lay in bed later thinking about this. I hadn’t realized how far I had come in my hubris. How much I am still driven by the old cycle of performance and perfection. How much more I trust myself and my abilities--my hands, my mind, my will--than I trust God. I trust my reasonings and machinations over God’s sovereignty. I trust the biology of my body over God’s control over this new life forming. I trust my own knowledge and skills over the strength and wisdom God provides. I am constantly more affirmed in myself than I am in the work God has done in me.
In a way this has always been my fundamental problem. It leaves no room for humility, for mistakes, for anything surprising to happen that is outside of my own narrow will and mind. There is always this part in me I need to confess, to let go of. The doing so carries both the freedom and joy in the returning of the wayward younger son, but also release from the justification and perfectionism of the older son. It’s something I come back to over and again.
Week Sixteen
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hopefully more than just a bothersome experience! But yes, don't be too hard on yourself. Given our inherently flawed natures, we'll have plenty of opportunities to learn and relearn of our hubris...and it's ingrained in all of us, perfectionists or not.
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