Our kids have been in a phase of
particularly concentrated bickering for the past few months. My 7 year-old
started tending to whine or yell; my 5 year-old is still strong-willed about
what he wants or considers right; my 3 year-old is in his full-fledged,
irrational, emotional terrible two’s; and my 1.5 year-old is old enough to
screech for what she wants. What results is synergistic conflict: not anything
egregious enough to be disciplined, and often not a situation with someone in
the clear right or wrong—just this incessant bickering.
I’ve really struggled to deal with
it, and it’s only in the past week that I feel like there’s been some practical
breakthrough. Here is a list that I wrote to myself, of things that I’ve found
work or that I want to remind myself to do:
- set a positive baseline tone and
attitude myself at home: I can choose the attitude I set. I can choose to make
our home the safest place in the world. I enjoy my kids and expect to enjoy
them. If there is grumbling in my own heart, it leaks out to the kids. Sing
songs.
- have preemptive activities
planned: they don’t have to be huge deals (though that is good occasionally)—what
matters is my attention and some amount of forethought. Get the play-dough out.
Print out coloring pages.
- expect to be present: some
multi-tasking is inevitable, but my primary goal is to be with my kids. “The
dishes can wait; their childhood cannot”
- never escalate bickering by
letting my own frustration and anger rise: I need to set an example. I need to
teach an effective lesson. If I sense my frustration rising, pause. Talk slowly
and softly instead of loud and fast. God can give me the strength to do this.
- quicker response time: if a
bickering-related behavior is grating on me, respond to it early and
effectively. Do not let it go on until I react with an angry outburst.
- call out the positive in my
children: verbally recognize both positive behavior and the character trait it
reflects
- practice positive behavior: give
them the words or lines to say that are alternatives to something antagonistic.
Consider practicing these lines in mock situations. Verbally model this myself
by speaking helpful lines out loud (“it’s not a big deal”)
- separate them: they may need the
freedom or guidance to have their own space and time as the natural default is
for us all to be together
- spend individual time with each
of them: the older ones need their own attention as much as the younger ones,
though they demand it less
- avoid the group effect: do not
disproportionately blame individual kids for sibling behaviors or group effects
that they are not responsible for. They may need to learn to adjust their
behaviors to make it easier for others, but it is not their fault their sibling
has a trigger issue or the group effect made it worse
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