Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Practical Tips for Handling Bickering Kids

Our kids have been in a phase of particularly concentrated bickering for the past few months. My 7 year-old started tending to whine or yell; my 5 year-old is still strong-willed about what he wants or considers right; my 3 year-old is in his full-fledged, irrational, emotional terrible two’s; and my 1.5 year-old is old enough to screech for what she wants. What results is synergistic conflict: not anything egregious enough to be disciplined, and often not a situation with someone in the clear right or wrong—just this incessant bickering.

I’ve really struggled to deal with it, and it’s only in the past week that I feel like there’s been some practical breakthrough. Here is a list that I wrote to myself, of things that I’ve found work or that I want to remind myself to do:

- set a positive baseline tone and attitude myself at home: I can choose the attitude I set. I can choose to make our home the safest place in the world. I enjoy my kids and expect to enjoy them. If there is grumbling in my own heart, it leaks out to the kids. Sing songs.
- have preemptive activities planned: they don’t have to be huge deals (though that is good occasionally)—what matters is my attention and some amount of forethought. Get the play-dough out. Print out coloring pages.
- expect to be present: some multi-tasking is inevitable, but my primary goal is to be with my kids. “The dishes can wait; their childhood cannot”
- never escalate bickering by letting my own frustration and anger rise: I need to set an example. I need to teach an effective lesson. If I sense my frustration rising, pause. Talk slowly and softly instead of loud and fast. God can give me the strength to do this.
- quicker response time: if a bickering-related behavior is grating on me, respond to it early and effectively. Do not let it go on until I react with an angry outburst.
- call out the positive in my children: verbally recognize both positive behavior and the character trait it reflects
- practice positive behavior: give them the words or lines to say that are alternatives to something antagonistic. Consider practicing these lines in mock situations. Verbally model this myself by speaking helpful lines out loud (“it’s not a big deal”)
- separate them: they may need the freedom or guidance to have their own space and time as the natural default is for us all to be together
- spend individual time with each of them: the older ones need their own attention as much as the younger ones, though they demand it less
- avoid the group effect: do not disproportionately blame individual kids for sibling behaviors or group effects that they are not responsible for. They may need to learn to adjust their behaviors to make it easier for others, but it is not their fault their sibling has a trigger issue or the group effect made it worse

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