Men Are Like Rubber Bands

I’m reading through Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and one of the more interesting insights was this concept of the “intimacy cycle,” in which regard men are like rubber bands: they get close, pull away, then get close again. “Just as we do not decide to be hungry,” the authors write, “a man does not decide to pull away. It is an instinctual urge. He can only get so close, and then he begins to lose himself. At this point he begins to feel his need for autonomy and begins to pull away.”

The key seems to be understanding that there is nothing personal in the desire to pull away; it’s simply automatic, not a judgment upon the woman. Like a rubber band, there is only so far he can go before he starts to want to return, and the more you let him go during these times, the more you allow him to come back with full “power and spring.” He is able to resume intimacy immediately where he left off, without needing time for reacclimation. Just as earlier you let him go, now is a golden time for talking and deeply connecting. Then after a while, he feels slack again: “to a certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. … Pulling away allows him to reestablish his personal boundaries and fulfill his need to feel autonomous.”

The problem, of course, is that this rubber-band cycle times poorly with how a woman naturally relates. Just as they are getting deeply connected, he wants to pull away, which she feels hurt by, or at least has no natural desire to do as well, so it’s easy for her to follow him, not allow him space, or punish him for wanting space. Then when he’s ready to return, she feels insecure, or still angry, or simply fears to push him away again, and doesn’t take advantage of that golden period to reconnect.

Most of the time when I read these types of books, I feel there’s gross gender stereotyping, or at least that we don’t always struggle with the common things I hear my friends struggling with in their marriages, but I think there’s some truth to this one. Today being the perfect example; my parents took the three kids. We had a lovely time out, mostly errand-running but fitting in a meal out and lots of deep conversation during which we really connected. Then as soon as we come home, he needs some time away, right after we’ve had all this deep connecting. Suddenly comments he makes like, “it doesn’t have to be so intense all the time,” or observations about how he and his guy friends like to intersperse plenty of mindless activity into their times together, make sense. At does give me some time to catch up on writing…