I am full-force into the nausea of the first trimester, and
here is what it feels like: have you ever been seasick on a ship? Dave and I
took a boat out to snorkel in Molokini Crater during our honeymoon, and I
remember seeing a young couple huddled at the back of the boat. The girl was
obviously seasick; the guy had his arm around her hunched back, and she barely
moved the whole trip. They didn't eat the buffet spread, or swim with the
fishes, or probably register the gorgeous views.
I feel like I'm that girl. The nausea is not bad enough to
make me actually puke ever, but it never really goes away, so I go through each
day mentally hunched over, in a mild daze. Unpredictable things make it worse:
the feeling of air blowing across any part of my body. Dave moving the bed at
night. The smell of the kids' hair after a bath. The artificial-sweetener
aftertaste of a soda. The sound of a burp. Having to talk louder than a faint
whisper ("WHAT?" everyone is always saying).
It's hard to really focus on much, between the nausea and
the fatigue. I feel like most of the world just passes me by: I know the sink
is accumulating hairs, but I can't be bothered enough to swipe them away. I
look dumbly at the sticky spots on the floor and the stray Lego wedged behind
the couch. It feels like a Herculanean effort to get up and do the most basic
things: look at food long enough to pack myself a lunch. Actually help poor
Dave with childcare.
The problem is, I still look normal from the outside. I'm
still my old size (and unfortunately, too sick to really enjoy it while it
lasts). And I'm realizing what most people with chronic illness probably
realize: after a while, no one really wants to hear about your pain. No one
really understands it. When "how are you feeling?" is met with the
same "bad" or variation thereof every time, even you get tired of
hearing about yourself.
I also struggle with questions that most people with chronic
illness probably do: why is this happening? what does feeling nauseous have to
do with growing new life? I know, the progesterone or whatever-- but why does
it have to relate? And I have the benefit of knowing this sickness is both
temporary and towards a good end, which many don't.
Maybe God is teaching me empathy for my patients who suffer
from chronic discomfort. Maybe he is showing me the people in my life who love and
support me unconditionally. Maybe he wants to challenge me to some new level of
selflessness. Maybe he just wants me to be willing to dwell in an uncomfortable
place and trust in his sovereignty.
But mostly, I just want to get off the ship. I want to press
the fast-forward button for the next four to eight weeks. I want to wake up in
a world where I'm not nauseous anymore and I actually have interest in things
again.
(written September 30,
2014)