Relating

D talks sometimes about how it’s easy to see each other primarily as respective childcare units. Tickets towards navigating the daily grind of childcare intact. We discuss which kid we’ll put to bed, whose turn it is to give them a bath, who should prep the diaper bag while the other changes clothes. We switch off kids if we sense the other person needs a change. We each take care of both kids alone enough to appreciate when the other person is around to help, but it can get to be where we see each other as more functional than relational.

This is in nearly comic contrast to how we related before we had kids. We’d talk about things like, what have you been thinking about lately? What has God been teaching you? What passions do you have in life? How has your family shaped you in this or that way? What personality strengths and weaknesses do you have and how does that fit in with mine? What ministry or vision do you feel God is leading you towards for the future?

And aside from talking, we’d think about the other person. Think of small kindnesses we could show, surprises we could buy, ways we could pray. Wonder how they were feeling as they went through the day. Plan an experience we could share. Encourage the other person to develop hobbies or other friendships.

It’s that element of thought and focus on the other person, for their own sake, not in relation to something else, that is the easiest to lose as the demands of life grow. I used to wonder at older couples in restaurants who barely speak to or look at each other the entire time, but it’s not so hard to see how that happens.

It can get like that with God too, more functional than relational—God, get me through this day, answer this list of things I want—instead of, God, who are you? How can I learn more about you today? Am I listening to you?

It used to be that I could get to that place easier, get over myself, set aside time; now it takes more effort. It helps to plan ahead for regular dates, to have helpful material, to put aside distracting media. With God, it helps to make the effort to go to church, have a small group, meet with someone I can share the answers to those questions with. This stage of life is just how it is, and some days are about helping each other get to the point where both kids are in bed, then zoning out afterwards, and that’s okay. But they aren’t the most important priority in our lives—just the most demanding sometimes—and it’s good to remember that.