And Then We Had Kids

Having kids is tough on a marriage. The popular romantic plotlines involving two people solidifying their love by having a baby (Knocked Up, Life As We Know It, The Back-Up Plan) is bollocks. The bonding over having a baby is definitely outweighed by the stressors.

Don’t get me wrong—it is a real privilege getting to see D as a dad. It reveals a whole side of him that I wouldn’t have known otherwise. But it has changed our marriage. I would say having kids changed my life more than getting married, so perhaps it’s no surprise. Things that were easy before are harder now—getting time alone, sharing hobbies or ministries. Things that were hard before are harder now—arguing well, communicating about sex. Before our conversations sounded like, “what have you been thinking about lately?” “what do you think about this book/movie/article?” Now they sound like, “does he need a diaper change?” “when did he last feed?” “did she get a bath already?” “here, you feed/change/hold/play with her while I feed/change/hold/play with him.” Sometimes we debate exciting issues like, “who had a harder day?” “whose turn is it to ­­____?” or our favorite, “who is more sleep-deprived?”

With the kids, we are always giving and giving. When we get a breather, we try regain a sense of ourselves; it’s not natural to turn around and give to each other, or even think about each other for more than a few minutes.

You go along for a while like this, and it seems okay, but then a fight happens, or a long late-night discussion, and you realize your marriage does not have inexhaustible reserves. Your selfishness comes out more; your emotion for the other person wanes. It’s like a bank account: you can’t keep withdrawing without making deposits. A parent dying, job issues, childcare, absence, big tests—those all withdraw on our relational capital. Thinking about the other person, praying for them, spending quality time, being purposeful about growth, being honest about weaknesses that need work—these are deposits.

I went back and read letters we had written while dating, and it’s incredible how much we invested in our relationship. D has this notebook where he had actually written ideas for things he could talk to me about or questions he could ask me, which he obviously had thought a lot about (no wonder our phone conversations were so good).

We both understand this is a stage in life, one in which our kids deplete a good amount of our physical and emotional reserves. Navigating how to build up our marriage right now is something we’re figuring out. I wish people talked more about how to do this; I wish we had more honest and outstanding role models. Who impresses me with how much they cherish and grow their marriage? It’s hard to think of a lot of examples.

We’re trying a few things. We have the luxury of weekly dates with my parents around to watch the kids. We try to take a few minutes to pray together regularly. We understand that our relationship with each other is the least clamorous, but most important, one in our lives, and that’s a start.