Uncertainty

The most stressful thing about parenting is the uncertainty. All it takes is one book or piece of advice to make us question ourselves all over again—and it seems like no two of them agree. You should never let your baby cry alone in her crib. Crying is good for the lungs; crying is not good for the lungs. You should breastfeed both sides equally; better to drain one breast first. Never hesitate to wake her from sleep; let her sleep when she can. Keep to a schedule; follow her cues and demands. Always put her to sleep on her back; sleeping on the stomach is better. And all of these dictums come with judgments: you are good parents or bad parents; you are causing this or that effect upon your child.

The reality of it is that nothing tells you what to do in that moment when she’s crying again in her crib and you have to decide whether to go in and what to do. You make some type of decision based on your personality as parents, your knowledge of her personality, the context, and other general principles. You keep track of her habits, you learn her cues, you try to set a few rules, you find things that work and things that don’t. The reality is, it all still feels like a huge step in the dark. You hold your breath and mutter prayers.

The glorious thing about having my mom here for now is how it gives D and I the ability to go out occasionally. Yesterday we went to a favorite park, green meadows and blue coastline. It’s good to get out, get some perspective. I think about all the babies around the world who are raised in different situations and cultures. I think about the single moms and dads who have far less resources than we do. I think about E, the person we are getting to know, not some object in a book, and how far we have come.

I think about the times my parents apologized to me in the past—I don’t even remember what for, just my surprise then at their vulnerability—and I understand a little better. We are bound to make mistakes, and that is okay. It goes without saying we will do our best, read and talk and listen and pray, but in all this too is a letting go, a rediscovery of faith. We are stewards; God is no less sovereign. That is good to remember.