Taking Call

“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” –Proverbs 16:9

All of my call this year is home call, taken weeks at a time. Most of the time it’s fine, but one page could mean the difference between a restful evening and a late night in the hospital. I think I meet the diagnostic criteria for pager-PTSD: I get jumpy when anything beeps, like the microwave at Starbucks after they’ve heated up a pretzel, or our shower cleanser before it sprays. I sometimes hear the pager going off in mind. I try to avoid it unconsciously by leaving it at home while running errands or taking longer showers. It sometimes decreases my ability to enjoy normal things. I definitely get annoyed: once D teased me by humming the pager beep tune, which got me almost hilariously upset.

So much of the nature of medical work is based on chance: how bad a call night is; whether or not you get called in. Medical culture is strikingly superstitious: people carrying “white clouds” or “black clouds,” avoiding the Q-word. I remember how upset someone got when I mentioned what a quiet night it was. So much of the workload does seem unfair, especially when you start comparing, and it all seems due to chance or luck.

I forget sometimes that I don’t believe in a capricious world. I believe in probability—if it snows, less patients are apt to come in—but not in luck or happenstance. I believe in a sovereign God, which imbues purpose to what happens whether I understand it or not. I believe in suffering as much as I believe in redemption, and that it is all ordered by one whose ways are higher than mine.

These are all things easier to say than to believe, when you’re the one trudging in for a night shift, hoping to catch some sleep. It’s rarely in the forefront of my mind, but at least sometimes it’s in the background, enough to give some measure of peace. I pray it now for myself, but more so for people like D who still have to take call every third night. It takes sacrifice, to lay yourself open not to chance but to whatever God brings your way. Here’s to all those who do.

Week Nineteen