One thing reading this book about
enneagram types has helped me with the most is understanding not myself so much
as other people. In brief, it breaks people down into nine different
personality types, which you self-identify, and for each type the book
describes the healthy, average, and unhealthy versions of the type; the
particular sin that type is prone to; how that type tends to be in childhood,
work, and relationships; general characteristics of that type; and what
spiritual growth of that type looks like, with a healing message for each. In
general, enneagrams help most with understanding people’s motivations: two
people may have the same behavior or outlook, but from very different
motivations, and it’s helpful for me to see that what drives me may be
completely different from what motivates, and thus will help heal or change,
someone else.
For example, Ellie and I are both perfectionists,
but our different enneagram types has helped me understand how differently it
works for her (a type 1, the perfectionist) than for me (a type 3, the
performer). On the surface, we’re similar: we both care a lot about excellence,
about completing a task well and meeting high standards. In a way, this makes
it easy for us to get along: she does great at school, just like I did; we
enjoy painting or playing the piano or writing a book report or building a tent
just right.
But as soon as something isn’t
done perfectly right, we run into problems. My typical approach is to say, suck
it up and try again! Focus on the task and get it right! When someone talks to
me like that, it makes me more determined than ever to show them I can do it
well. But when I talk to Ellie like that, she becomes completely paralyzed; she
shuts down and starts crying and is unable to proceed.
What I’ve found is that we are
perfectionists for very different reasons, with almost opposite effects. I’m
driven by performance: I’m a perfectionist because I want to perform well in
front of others; I want to look good, to achieve a lot, and I have an
inherently strong sense of self and high self-confidence. External observation
energizes me. If I make a mistake, I’m more liable to shrug and move on to
something else I can do well, or just figure out a way to get over it; my focus
is always on the task, the performance, rather than the relationship. As a
result, I don’t really feel I want to understand others or bother with people who
get in the way of performing the task well.
Ellie, on the other hand, is a
perfectionist because she is driven by a high inner standard. She wants to do
something perfectly because she genuinely wants to, not because she cares about
performing for others. She is less motivated to do something if others are
watching. And because this comes more internally, she has a constant inner
critic in her head, a voice telling her that she is not doing it well enough,
not measuring up: she is inherently more prone to insecurity than
self-confidence. If she makes a mistake, she is more liable to beat herself up
in her head about it, to let it affect her sense of self. Her focus is often
more on relationships than the task itself: how the mistake is affecting her relationship
with others and view of self. As a result, though, she is more naturally empathetic
with others, more interested in understanding others.
Completely different! When I make
a mistake, what I need to hear is: the perfect performance is not always the
most important thing. It’s good to learn and move on in doing the task well,
but don’t forget to see how this is affecting others and things that are more
important than the outward image. Remember that God sees you for who you truly
are, not just the image you project, and loves you.
Naturally, when Ellie makes a
mistake or is crying because her brothers messed up her tent, my tendency is to
respond with what I need to hear: to tell her, it’s okay if it’s not perfect.
But I think the message she needs to hear is: you’ll make mistakes, and that’s
okay, and God and I still love you. Because her sense of perfectionism is
coming from a more internal place, the point is not to tear down this inner
standard she will probably have anyway, but to separate that from a sense of
shame or insecurity: to restore relational security and love, to consistently
remind her that she is not defined by her mistakes, that mistakes happen and
she is always loved regardless.
So when we’re playing piano and
she forgets a note, or when we’re painting and she accidentally does a whole
section in the wrong color: we both care, and we’re both frustrated. But now
the first things I say are: it’s okay that you made a mistake. I still love
you. I might expand on that or vary it by saying things like, I forget notes
all the time too, or look, now we can mix in a new color that looks even
better, or I love that you try so hard, or I love how you are always brave
enough to practice very day, etc. And I see her face light up, instead of
crumpling up into tears, and she seems energized to keep going, and then I can
start talking about the actual task.
As a type 3, it feels sort of
laborious and foreign, and sometimes when I’m tired I think why does she have to be so darn sensitive
and emotional? or gee whiz, just move
on and try again! but I know those things won’t motivate her, and don’t
reflect a true understanding of who she is and how God has created her. And I
see more and more that she has wonderful traits—empathy, kindness, integrity,
true discipline—that come much more naturally to her than to me.