The Mythical Balance

I’m beginning to think that work-life balance for mothers is a myth. It doesn’t exist.

On one hand, I’m all for equal work rights for women, and mothers. I felt insulted when I interviewed for a part-time job and they implied they didn’t want to pay a regular salary because they weren’t sure of my work ethic if I was just working three days a week. So just because I have kids and want to work part-time you think I won’t work as hard those three days as if I wanted to work full-time?

On the other hand, I’m now convinced women just can’t work the same way as men when they are mothers. Maternity leave retards your work and makes you rusty surgically; there’s no way around it. When you’re seeing patients or doing surgical cases every ten minutes, taking twenty minutes every three hours to pump slows things down. I’m always rushing in at the last minute and leaving as soon as I can to nurse him as much as possible. I’m happy our nanny is having a baby, but it makes childcare arrangements in the meanwhile more difficult. Hire a man, and you simply don’t have any of these issues.

Do I feel bad about work? Yeah. I wish I could be there for my patients five days a week. I wish I didn’t have to get through this re-learning curve after being out of the OR for eight months. I wish I could linger as long as I want in the office getting stuff wrapped up. That’s just the basic stuff; that’s not even wishing I could be having a more prominent career or earning more. I’m doing good work, not partner-track work. I’m doing good work, not field-changing work. I’m doing some work, not my best work.

Do I feel bad about leaving my kids? Yeah. I wish I could keep little e.e. on his natural schedule rather than having to interrupt his sleep or keep him up so I can feed him right before I leave. I wish E didn’t have to keep meeting new people who are taking care of her when mommy leaves (though she doesn’t seem to mind). I wish I didn’t have to leave D with the kids after his long day of work when I’m gone in the evenings.

Do I think I have a pretty good gig? Yeah. I’ve found a rare career in which I can work a light three days a week and earn more than most people do working full-time; in which I can dictate my own schedule, have dozens of support staff, cut into the body and get to know people in clinic. I work mid-afternoons to early-evenings, which leaves me the entire mornings with the kids even on days I do work.

I recognize that I’m a better mom when I get regular time away from the kids; that I’m a better person physically and mentally when I’m participating in the work world. I feel pretty sure at this point God doesn’t want me to give up my surgical skills entirely. And I know it’s particularly hard when the kids are young, when I’m still nursing. So maybe I’m there 90% of the time for the kids and 60% of the time for my patients and surgical skills and that’s okay. There will always be a part of me that wants it to be 100% and 0%. And 0% and 100%.

In the meanwhile, we’re taking it one day at a time. Which means I’m waiting until the last minute to change into work clothes so he doesn’t get slobber all over dry-clean shirts. I’m coming out in my scrubs to nurse him in the back seat of my dad’s car in between cases. I’m making follow-up phone calls while juggling him in my arms during my days off. I’m trying not to get too anxious about doing cases I haven’t done in a year.

I’ve been rediscovering how great hymns are while teaching them to E, and my favorite one lately is, tis so sweet, to trust in Jesus. Just to take him at his word. Just to rest upon his promise. Just to know: thus saith the Lord. When I sing that to her in the dark before her bedtime, it feels like I’m singing that to myself as much as to her.