Body Image

“There could never be a more beautiful you.. You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do / So there could never be a more beautiful you” -Jonny Diaz

There’s nothing quite like pregnancy to make you confront any body image issues you may have had. You become heavier, and even though you know it’s supposed to happen, it can feel ugh-gy all the same. It would be lovely if I could stay slim and simply sport a cute little watermelony bump, but instead I’ve spent most of the past seven months diffusely and vaguely heavier. It wasn’t until last week that I started to get questions from patients about when I’m due. “Oh, in seven weeks,” and then I brace myself for the incredulous “but you’re so small!” I really have gained twenty pounds! I want to say. My face isn’t usually this round! My hips and thighs aren’t usually this wide!

There was a time earlier in life when I was heavier than I have been recently, and struggled with liking my body. Around the fourth and fifth month it felt like that old body was returning in some ways, and learning to love it was an odd way of redeeming the ways I had thought about my body in the past. I think about the health that I have. I think about the purpose my body is serving. I think about how my husband’s affection is unchanged.

I think about what I would hope to teach my daughter about body image. It’s strange how much of a child’s self-esteem from the very start is built on how they look; it drives the way the world responds to them. Sometimes in my superficial moments I catch myself hoping the baby is naturally cute (would anyone tell me if she were actually pretty ugly-looking? probably not). I think about how much she will be affected by how I feel about my own body. I guess the most powerful and genuine sort of parenting in the end comes from within, from how I am and live myself, not from play-acting principles.

So this is as good a time to learn as any—now and in four months when I wonder why my old pants still don’t fit . . .

Week Thirty-Two